Monday, March 05, 2007

The Truth Is Out There

Lesson: Stimulation

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework assignment, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Little Mary would be sent home during the next lesson:

Mrs. Parks began, "This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What am I?"

As all of you may have already guessed, except for Mary, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own - toothbrush!"

The Truth Is Down There

FBI agents, Scully and Muldar are sharing a motel room in a small Midwestern town. They are undercover as man and wife to investigate an X-File lead.

This was not the first time they had posed as man and wife, but as usual Muldar was getting horny. She pretended not to notice that he'd been ogling her. She ignored his furtive glances as he tried to get a pantie shot every time she crossed and uncrossed her legs. On this case she'd considered wearing no panties, just to see him go crazy and then disappear into the bathroom for several minutes.

However, she had a better idea. Since they had to change to get ready for a town meeting in twenty minutes, she was going to put on a show he'd never forget. Then to teach him a lesson, she would not leave him enough time for him to disappear to relieve himself.

When there was only ten minutes before the meeting, she slipped into the bathroom to change. She deliberately left the door ajar. She called out to him, "Muldar, we have to leave soon. I'm getting dressed now!"

Pretending not to notice he was already by the door, she was posing in front of the mirror wearing only a skimpy thong and an unbuttoned blouse. She cupped her large breasts and made some moaning sounds. She then adjusted the thong by pulling it tight and stretching the material until there was little left to the imagination. She could hear his heavy breathing behind the door. She then stepped into a skirt and called out, "Muldar, I'm just about ready. Are you dressed?"

Muldar moved quickly, but stiffly away from the door. "Just about," he replied. He was struggling however to get his tight slacks fastened. There was an obvious bulge in his pants hampering his efforts. He unzipped the fly to relieve the pressure and turned his back to the bathroom as Scully emerged.

He held his jacket over his arm to allow it to drape enough to hide his condition. He moved slowly toward the door and said, "Let's go."

It was all she could do not to break out in laughter. She decided to have a little more fun at Muldar's expense. "Fox Muldar! Your barracks door is wide open!"

He was a little confused at first. That was not a phrase men usually used to describe this particular wardrobe malfunction. Biding for time in hopes that his condition would improve he answered, "Barracks door?"

"Your fly, Muldar," she said pointing. "Your fly is unzipped."

By that time his aroused state had finally abated, so he pulled up the zipper and smiled sheepishly at his partner. They left their room and proceeded to their car outside.

Thinking it would make the best of the situation and ease the tension between them, Muldar turned to Scully and whispered, "When you saw the barracks door open did you see a soldier in there standing at attention?"

Scully paused for a moment, grinned and replied, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!"



Serena Joy said...

I would have sworn nobody could make me laugh tonight, but you did it. I am totally LMAO. Thanks!

aka_Monty said...

I have a sudden crazy urge to go brush my teeth. :)

Hale McKay said...

I thought it would, SJ.

Monty, need any help?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Pupil of the eye.... Ho ho har de har har. I didn't know that. Pretty hairy....

Christina said...

LOL - all very funny!

I'll never look at toothbrushes (or duffle bags) the same way again.

Raggedy said...


daktara said...

i liked the x-file story too much you are a great writter
from egypt

Palm Springs Savant said...

very funny stuff...I really like the pupil story. OK if I post it on my blog and credit you?