Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Redneck Olympics

Jim Bob Hively wiped his brow as a grimace of determination came over his haggard face. He could feel the electricity from the crowd of hayseed fans a hootin' and a hollerin' as he concentrated on the galvanized stake at the other end of the tossin' pit.

There was a lot more on the line than just the Gold Medal in the Toilet Seat Tossin' match. There was a lot more on the line than getting his picture on a box of Corn Flakes. There was the matter of pride driving his demeanor. He trailed the Redneck from Arkansas by a three points. There was no way an Okie could face the folks back home if he lost this match.

He moved his arm back gracefully, a firm grip on the toilet seat, and then swung his arm forward. The shiny white projectile was loosed and launched into majestic flight. There was a hush as the collective of 30,000 Rednecks held their breaths. So strong their inhalations that for a moment even the smell of stale beer and rotgut shine dissipated.
We interrupt our coverage of these Redneck Olympic Games for a word from our sponsors.

Be the first in your trailer park to get your copy of the newest video collection, "Hillbilly Girls Gone Wild." See these chipped-toothed beauties baring it all in the privacy of haylofts from Kentucky to Oklahoma. Your eyes will pop out of your head when you see when one gal from Tennessee discovers other uses for an ear of corn besides feedin' the livestock. Never again will you ask yourselves why these girls have salt licks in their bathrooms. Get your copy today for $9.95 and two Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle caps.
Also sponsoring the Games:
Pappy Wishbone's Horseshoes. These are the finest quality Redneck horseshoes that can be found on the market today. These are the same shoes used by Jim Bob Hively, the current world champion horseshoe tosser.
These high quality seats are versatile enough to be used as seats in any outhouse or trailer crap closet. For product descriptions and price lists, click on the link above.For those of you unfamiliar with the game of horseshoes, refer to Pappy Wishbone's rule guide depicted here. Clicking on the image will give a larger easier to read image. If image still isn't clear, put on your damn glasses!

Before we return to you the Horseshoe Match, here is a list of the other events you will be seeing as part of our coverage of the Redneck Olympic Games.
Cowflap Discus Toss, Lawn Tractor Races, Mudpit Belly Floppin', Rocky Mountain Oyster Eatin' Contest, Mechanical Bull Ridin', Tobacco Spittin', Arm Wrasslin', and Roadkill BBQ Cook-off.
Due to technical problems and contractual agreements with Redneck Olympics Committee, we are unable to air the results of any event in progress until all the fighting and beer bottle throwing in the attending audience has been brought under control.

As a public service while you are waiting for the continuation of coverage of the Games, why not pick up some nice gifts for that special Redneck in your life. You might consider some of the following:

Top Ten Gift Ideas for Rednecks

1. Toilet seat-The hillbilly in your family will be ecstatic when he rips open his or her new redneck Christmas gift. Now, he or she will be able to play hillbilly horseshoes forever. Hillbilly horseshoes is a very popular game in every redneck community. Watch him or her smile a crooked toothless grin when they open one of their favorite games this Christmas. Approximate cost of hillbilly horseshoe, free if taken from the Seven Eleven down the street.

2. Four soup cans and four boards-This gift is often given to newlyweds in the hillbilly community. A simple gift for the redneck that is soon to be getting married is the hillbilly bed frame. The cans and boards can be used to setup the hillbilly bed frame for the newly married couple, but beware too much bouncing may cause the cans to bend under pressure.

3. Aluminum foil-Every high-tech hillbilly on your Christmas gift giving list will appreciate this thoughtful redneck gift with gratitude. Aluminum foil has been used for years in every hillbilly community and household to improve on television reception. Buck Mix of Dry Springs, Kentucky says,” By using aluminum foil on my antenna I am able to pick up most of my local channels in the area.” “Just wrap the aluminum foil tightly around the top of your rabbit ears for the best results.” Buck’s wife, Bernice says, “By wrapping aluminum foil around my dentures I can hear all of the Jeff Foxworthy, redneck games broadcast in my head.”

4. Hillbilly three-piece chicken dinner-Give this gift to that special redneck gift in your life for a wonderful laugh. You must get three kernels of corn, wrap them tightly in your hand, ask your unsuspecting friend, ” Would you like a three piece chicken dinner?”, and now for the punch line hand them the three pieces of corn.

5. Make it yourself beer cooler-Every redneck will appreciate your ingenuity when you give him or her the directions for the make it yourself beer cooler kit. Take a two liter Coke bottle and cut the top off, add water to the bottom of the Coke bottle, insert a can of green beans into the water and put in the freezer for a few hours, when the water is completely frozen remove the can of green beans and presto, your very own make it yourself beer cooler! Insert beer into the hole and your ready to go!

6. Soap-Most people can’t wait to see their loved ones face, which hasn’t been seen for years in most cases, after washing with soap. This is a much appreciated redneck gift item in the hillbilly community.

7. Sears and Roebuck Catalog- The perfect redneck gift for those still using the old fashioned outdated outhouse. When the corncob will not do, the Sears and Roebuck catalog is the one for you.

8. Fat Back Relaxer-Every overweight hillbilly will appreciate a new or slightly used recliner. Miss Bertha Bustro, from Monkey’s Elbow, Kentucky says, “Thank you sister for getting me my recliner last year, a great place to rest my fat back.”

9. Washers-He or she will go crazy when you stuff their stockings with some washers one of the ultimate redneck gifts. For hours of play the recommended list of gifts are eight washers, one shovel, and two empty soup cans. These ingredients will be all they will need to create the most loved sport in hillbilly heaven. First, bury the can in the dirt so only the hole is showing (APPROXMATELY ten feet away), divide into two teams, now try and pitch your washer into the opponents can, whoever is the closets wins.

10. Deliverance-For the hillbilly who has everything, a copy of the movie Deliverance is a must need for his or her movie collection. Played for hours in every hillbilly home, the words treasured by every hillbilly, “Squeal like a pig!”

Y'all come back! Ya hear?



Peter said...

I was goin' pretty good till I got to Deliverance Mike, that thar filum sorta turned me off.

jules said...

I'm sending this to my brother. He's about as redneck as they come.

Rain said...

I'll pay a dollar to watch the Mudpit Belly Floppin contest.LOL

What the heck is 'salt licks' and why are they in a bathroom?

Soulsearcher said...

I saw deliverance for the FIRST, AND the LAST time a few weeks ago...lol