Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Pompous Circumstances

Hide the silverware! The queen is paying us a visit!


I cannot get excited by so-called Royalty. Royalty? I'm supposed to be in awe of a member of the world's richest welfare family? I think not! She sits down to relieve herself just I do!

Kings and Queens can be found as integral parts on chessboards, but on the world stage I picture them as pieces in a game of Tiddly-Winks !

Yet people, especially the press, play them off as dignitaries. Wearing a "Burger King" tiara and looking as frumpy as a bag lady, I was left wondering where she parked her shopping cart.

Changing gloves everytime she shook hands or touched someone, was she thinking that Americans are dirty and carriers of diseases?

I can't remember the name of the parody movie, but I remember in that film the Queen was an assassin on a mission to eliminate a Washington Post reporter who had uncovered some terrible secret about her. In the end she was tossed into the Tower of London and was forced to listen to Michael Bolton songs. She went stark raving mad after one song!

On the news one TV journalist asked another, "How should one address the Queen if one was introduced to her?" The other said, "You'd address her as 'Your Majesty' or 'Ma'am,' or 'Your Royal Highness.' You wouldn't call her 'Queen' or use her name."

Phooey! We might have a President who apparently thinks he's a King, but I'm certainly not about to address him or her using those words! I would lean to something more like, 'Waz up, Queenie?' or 'Yo, bitch!' 'Damn, Your Fatness, you should lay off those crumpets.' 'Say, that dress - you have K-marts and Wal-Marts over there too?'

For reasons that totally escape me, the British people (LOL, her royal subjects), actually adore her.

This adoration comes from a people who put up signs like those that follow:

British Signs

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)

15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

No wonder the colonists won the Revolutionary War!

As I am wont to use a lot of satire in my posts, I have decided not to express my true feelings about an enemic Monarchy.



jules said...

'Waz up, Queenie?' or 'Yo, bitch!' 'Damn, Your Fatness, you should lay off those crumpets.'

THIS is why I love you.

Serena Joy said...

LOL. I'm not wearing my tiara around you.

I LOVE the British signs. They're hysterical.

jipzeecab said...

The first film clips of her after she landed in Virginia showed her entourage. There was a bloke following her about third in line toting a 16 inch hat box in each hand. Now there's a job with a future.."Royal Hat Porter".

Anonymous said...

At least the British have no choice in their Royal family. Whereas the US chose George W Bush.


Hale McKay said...



Hale McKay said...


You, I would give the royal treatment.

Hale McKay said...


It probably has good benefits too.

Hale McKay said...


"Waz up?"