Before you jump right into the laughs, allow me to interject some patriotic thoughts into this post. Are you an American and proud of it? Do you respect our flag and everything it represents? Even if you are not American, you are invited to check out the following link, if for no other reason than to hear Elvis Presley singing "America the Beautiful." Read and sing along.
Were you able to read the whole thing, listen to the song and NOT sing along? I couldn't!
You came here for some laughs, didn't you? Without further
emu, er Ido er ado? - By all means, proceed:
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers ? That's a laugh," she replied.
"You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."
THE OLD SAUSAGE TRICK
Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?"
His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?"
The first drunk spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do," he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"
The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips out the sausage and the second starts sucking on it.
"What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing.
"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent," says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!"
So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night.
At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says, "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."
"Sausage?" says the first drunk. "I ATE the sausage about eight bars ago!"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
There was a rather loud disturbance in the wee hours of the morning, outside the pub.
An Irishman named Pat wandered back and forth on the sidewalk into the street, then onto the sidewalk and back into the street in front of the pub. He was hollering and swearing as he stumbled back and forth while holding half a pint in one hand and a key in the other.
A small crowd begins to grow when, finally, the constables arrive on the scene. Seeing that what they were dealing with is one rather inebriated and irate young man, one of them approached him and asked, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, schur," the Irishman slurred. "Sshumbody stoll me car!" "Well now lad," the constable inquires, "where was your car last time you saw it?"
Waving his hand in the air in the front of himself, as if to put the key into the ignition, the Irishman says "Wey, it was at the eind of me key."
At the same time, the other cop has noticed that the Irishman's zipper is down, and it's all there to be seen, so he quietly asks "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down, drops his shoulders woefully and moans "Oh boy, they got me wife too!"
EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A Litre of 2% milk,As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "
A BEER LIMERICK
There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder - Budweiser.