Saturday, June 16, 2007

Weekend Hangover

After five straight days of posts centered upon the subject of drinking and bars, it is only natural to expect a weekend hangover.

(Men, I'm not referring to that mass cascading over your belt buckle. Women ... uh ... I won't "pat" that topic.)

Did you know that there are degrees of hangovers and that there is a chart based on their severity? No? Then allow me to enlighten you:

Hangover Rating Chart

One Star Hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM, Waffle House excursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover

Slight headache.
Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.)
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning.
Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now....

While you are suffering from a hangover, the following will probably never enter your thoughts. They are food for thought before you start drinking the next time:

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Sorry I'm being such a jackass

No.1018

4 comments:

Cheri said...

LOL...this is even funnier for me today because I am taking care of a two star hangover right now....

XOXO

Variant E said...

err...I can barely say most of those words sober! At least after some drinks I'll THINK I'm saying them correctly.

Raggedy said...

Hahahaha!
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Peter said...

Alcoholics Anonymous should use your Hangover descriptions as a part of their program.... I'd sign the pledge.