Sunday, July 01, 2007

Fun-Netik Spell Checker

I found this poem while surfing the web looking for interesting things that I could harvest, I mean borrow, okay, steal for use on my own site. This is one time I didn't have to worry about plagiarism charges because this was written by that most prolific of writers, Anonymous. This creative person doesn't seem to mind if others use his or her stuff. (You'd think that a potential Poet Laureate would be more guarded when it comes to original material.)
Myspace Layouts
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
I could only assume that Mr./Mrs./Ms. Anonymous was using the newest spell checker from MacroHard, being sold and marketed under the name Fun-Netik Spell Chequer.
....Reasonably priced at $99.95 a week for a free trial version, I decided to download the software. While the relatively fast download was running I was able to take out the trash, walk the dog, mow the lawn and finish reading War and Peace.
....After paying out $325 to have my hard drive replaced, another $45 to my cable company to have my modem recalibrated and $25 for a new Ethernet card, I was finally able to put the Fun-Netik Spell Chequer to the test. First I had to enable the software. The effortless process required only 14 steps using three different Ms Dos macros and restarting my computer after each step. It took only two hours to zip through those steps, however it took another hour to figure out how to get out of Dos. I was ready to go. I typed in a sample sentence: The purpose of a good spell checker is to write legible so people can read what you write without referring to a dictionary.
The purr puss of a spell chequer is two right ledge a bull sew pee pull can reed what yew rite without ree furring too a dick shun nary.
....That first sin tense made me paws. I went back to look at what I rote sew far. It didn't look write.
I turned the Fun-Netik Spell Chequer off. My typed text had been literally changed into a phonetic passage. This wasn't what I wanted in a spell checking program!
....I needed to return to the site from which I had downloaded the software to find out what had gone awry. I typed in "'ll-be-sorry" onto my browser and was within fifteen minutes immediately whisked to the website. Poring over the list of available downloads I discovered the answer to my problem. I had clicked on the wrong software package from the menu. I had inadvertently clicked on "Redneck Fun-Netik Spell Chequer, version 0.1."
....I clicked in turn on each of the dozen other spell-checker software packages only to get an error message stating "not available." In small print, which I had enlarge the text to the highest setting and grab a magnifying glass from my desk drawer to read, was a link to MacroHard. Thanks to the miracle of the high speed lines provided by my ISP, within ten minutes I was looking upon their website.
....It soon became evident as I read the announcement at the top of MacroHard's home page. Due to the huge demand and extensive back orders from consumers, they were only producing Redneck Fun-Netik Spell Chequer, version 0.1 until further notice.

I sat back in my chair, stunned at the ramifications of the announcement and the company's policy. It could only mean one thing. Life on the Internet was going change inexplicably, especially in the Blogosphere. The fastest growing demographic of bloggers apparently is comprised of Rednecks and trailer park trash.

Sooner or later you'll be landing on a blog posted by someone belonging to this segment of the blogging population. It behooves you to have a phonetic spell checker of some kind. It's true that when the spell checker is in use, you have to read the text of these bloggers very slowly, but you have to remember, they had to type it the only way they know how - very slowly.
Don't ewe four get too bye won two day. This has bin a pub lick know tis.


Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

Vary fun knee.

Serena Joy said...

LOL! We dun't need no steenkin' speel-cheeker.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

This is quite clever, Mr. Pointmeister.

jules said...

What's really sad is this is the way a lot of high school students actually spell. I've read their papers and it scares the hell out of me.

Peter said...

Hi Mike that was a post and a poem after my own heart..... in fact you have the rare chance to meet the elusive Mr Anonymous himself, for it was in fact I who penned the original version of your featured poem some years back.
I have since come across several variations but for your pure pleasure I enclose the original;
The Spelling Chequer On My PC

Eye have a spelling Chequer
It came with my PC
It plainly marques four my revue
Mistakes eye cannot sea
I’ve run this poem threw it
Eye am sure yaw pleas too no
It’s letter perfect in its weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

Sew though eye try with all my mite
Too spell each word just write
And I’d steak my life upon each word eye right
Butt eye still get more wrong than eye get write
When they rote this spelling chequer
Its plane there wires were crossed
Yaw only knead too get it write
Is the dictionary yaw chequer lost

Peter Holt

Hale McKay said...

Oh my, Peter. What a small world. It's true what they say: "What goes around, comes around."

You're the first celebrity to comment on my blog. I am honored.