Weight Loss Program
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's tubby and that makes him thin again."
And the boy sez, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?!!"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him right back up!"
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice hildren you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
"And have a great day! "
Just Love Them Blondes!
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.
The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Blocking the Light
A rather well built blonde woman spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit.
However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there.
She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"
"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man.
"You are lying on the dining room skylight."