Saturday, July 28, 2007

Wild About Harry

Rowling's work is so familiar that we've forgotten how radical it really is. Look at her literary forebears. In The Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien fused his ardent Catholicism with a deep, nostalgic love for the unspoiled English landscape. C.S. Lewis was a devout Anglican whose Chronicles of Narnia forms an extended argument for Christian faith. Now look at Rowling's books. What's missing? If you want to know who dies in Harry Potter, the answer is easy: God. - Lev Grossman

It occurred to me that I haven't seen any Harry Potter spoofs or jokes. That meant only thing: I'd better take the bull by the horns! It didn't take much surfing, however, to find that there is a plethora of parodies, cartoons and photo-shopped images out there. Far be it for me not to "harvest" some of it.

The Top 5 Indications Harry Potter Is Going Through Puberty

5) - His voice cracks while casting a spell, causing it to rain naked Tracey Ullmans.
4) - All that awful, awful poetry.
3) - Last spell learned? "The Incantation of the Unscrambled Spice Channel."
2) - No longer invited to sleepovers at Neverland Castle.

and the Number 1 Indication Harry Potter Is Going Through Puberty...

1) - "Erectius concealioso!"

Just because J.K. Rowlings has stated that there will be no more (Praise the Lord!) Harry Potter books, does not by any means suggest that this is the end of the popular wizard. Because of my ...ahem...connections, this blogger has scooped the world by obtaining the working titles and brief synopses of planned Harry Potter movies and TV series.

1) - Welcome Back, Potter - A grown up Harry returns to Hogwarts and learns he will be teaching a new breed of students who call themselves "Sweathogwarts."

2) - Dirty Harry Potter - The wizard is a tough L.A. detective. Memorable scene: Harry, pointing his wand at a captured crook says, "I know what you're thinking. 'Did he cast five spells with his wand or did he cast six?' "

3) - Harry Potter & the Chambermaids - Hotel hi jinks as Harry plays a promiscuous bell hop in this remake of a Jerry Lewis classic.

4) - Hairy Potter & the Hendersons - Transformed into Big Foot by an evil sorcerer, Harry enlists the aid of a typical family to break the spell.

5) - The Great Waldo Potter - Harry resurrects his long lost father, only to discover he is the famous Waldo.

6) - When Harry Potter Met Sally - Dumped by Hermione, Harry looks for love in the bar scene.

7) - There's Something About Harry - Harry finds he is going blind. Has he been playing with his wand too much?

Top Ten Signs Your Kid is a Wizard

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple smoke.
9. You say, "Do you think that lawn is gonna mow itself?" But then it does!
8. He gets busted shoplifting a newt.
7. Can turn lead into gold, but he can't remember to take out the trash.
6. He wears shiny red satin robes - and you're praying he's just a wizard.
5. Favorite discount electronics store: "The Wiz."
4. He refers to Halloween as "amateur night."
3. He's only 12, but somehow he's dating Gwyneth Paltrow.
2. His favorite excuse is that "his homework ate the dog."
1. You catch him in the bathroom polishing his wand.

You Have Read Too Many Books and Seen Too Many Movies About Harry Potter When:

*You mutter nonsense latin words under your breath.
*You call your least favorite teacher Snape.
*Your computer says "You've Got Mail" and you run outside looking for an owl.
*You actually ask for a broom for Christmas.
*You mutter "lumos" under your breath every time you turn on a flashlight.
*You sort everyone you meet into the four Hogwarts houses. (Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin.)
*You were burned when you couldn't get through the flames of your fireplace.
*You had to go to the hospital after you broke your nose running headfirst into the wall between platforms nine and ten.
*The wand order mistake in GoF drove you crazy, and even after it was "corrected" you still came up with dozens of theories to explain why that happened.
*You point a normal things like parking meters and say "Look at the things these muggles dream up!"
*You collect plugs.
*You try on every piece of silvery fabric your mom has to see if you turn invisible.
*Before getting up to get something, you always try to summon it first. Accio TV remote!

*You watched "Love, Actually" because two minor Harry Potter actors were in it.
*You were reduced to tears when you finally had book 5 in your hands.
*You refer to your Chemistry class as Potions, and all your friends think you're mad.
*You spend hours tapping bricks in special orders hoping that a secret entrance to Diagon Alley will appear.
*When playing chess, you yell orders to the chess players and get upset when they don't move.
*You yell into the "tellyfone."
*You get extraordinarily emotional every time you hear "Hedwig's Theme".
*Despite being an American, you use the word "wicked" all the time because Rupert Grint does.
*You get thoroughly overexcited every time you see a word somewhere that is distantly linked with HP (ie. Saint Hedwig's).
*You name all of your pets after HP characters.
*You get in to heated arguments over how much gel Tom Felton had in his hair in the first two movies.
*You know that Harry's birthday is July 31, 1980, Hermione's birthday is September 19, 1980 and Ron's birthday is March 3rd, 1980 even though it never said in the books.
*You refer to Voldemort as "You-Know-Who", and your friends don't have any idea who you're talking about.
*You went out and bought the latest editition of the Webster's Dictionary because they added the word "muggle".
*You were kicked out of the movie theater for standing on your chair, throwing your shoe at the screen and yelling "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE BOOK!" over and over again, even for the most trivial differences.
*You count the days until you're old enough for your apparating license, and everyone else thinks you're talking about driving.

Some people have had just about enough of Harry Potter! After writing this, I certainly have; after reading this post perhaps you have too!



Jack K. said...

Thanks for helping me realize that I don't have that much to get over.

You have done the world a great service.

Scarlet said...

Loved the top 10 signs your kid's a wizard. I have to pass that on to the moms in our group!

Scary Monster said...

Good collection of HP jokes and gags. Unfortunately when me turns on Me flashlight Me still makes light saber sound effects.


Shari said...

You know when you've read/seen too much Harry Potterisms...

When your kids start arguing and you yell "Protego!" (Shield Charm).

I have actually done this.

And if you are familiar with the TV show, Charmed, I see similarities in that show. Casting spells. Making potions.