Monday, August 06, 2007

Variety Is the Spite Spice of Life

They say that variety is the spice of life. When it comes to blogging, sometimes variety is in spite of life. That profound thought is being made because I couldn't think of a theme with enough substance to fill a post. As such, I have collected a hodgepodge of unrelated jokes and images creating a potpourri of grins. So pull up a chair, put on your bibs and savor some.

Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex with You:-

- When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
- Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
- Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
- Only moans during commercial breaks.
- Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
- Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
- You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.
- You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.
- Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.
- Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
- Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
- Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
- She yells out her own name.
- Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Happy Days

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?", he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carries father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or to the drive-in.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just about makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening begin to look pretty good. A few minutes later Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father…

Just a Trim

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his haircut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too!"

A Perfect Son

After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby."

What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my God, that's wonderful!" the mother said. "You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

All Ears

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a ceiling tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no damn ears!"

The Royal Honeymoon

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by her family, when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to purchase shoes for the day. She panicked.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they roughly heard what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining, and at last Edward said "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."



Phils Phun said...

G'day Hale
Loved your jokes
Take care
Teddy Bear

Jack K. said...

for a "slow news day" you did quite well.

Great jokes.

Peter said...

A goodly selection Mike.

Serena Joy said...

I don't know how you found out about my sexual habits, but it IS funny seeing it in print.:-)

Scary Monster said...

Good Giggles, esp hermanphrodite.


Blue said...

LOL, great post. It took me a bit to get caught up on the reading, I've been out camping. And congrats on the award, if you get anymore you won't have room on the page to actually post...I myself have been nominated for the "least likely to be read" award. I'll have a full post with pics of my adventure up in the next few days.

Hale McKay said...

Serena, I never reveal my sources.