Monday, September 03, 2007

Blowing In the Wind

How fitting is it that on a holiday named "Labor Day" I would be outside doing some yard work? Just when is "F**k Off Day" anyway? City workers and civil servants have it off. How come I don't?

The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?

I have come to the conclusion that the wind blows! I mean that literally and figuratively. You see, it never fails that anytime I am raking, especially leaves, the wind starts to blow. I tell you, the wind blows! It waits until I have a nice neat pile ready to be transferred into the lawn bag when it 'sneezes' a 40 mph gust into the yard.

I call this occurrence the Snow Globe Effect . There I am, encased in a glycerin filled globe, rake in hand by a pile of leaves, when the globe is suddenly tipped, shaken and set back down right side up. Picture if you will, me standing there with rake in hand amid a swirl of leaves being strewn about.

Then there was that box half full of those Styrofoam packing peanuts. Get the picture? You know all about those seemingly lighter than air Styrofoam packing peanuts, don't you? You know, the same ones that take flight by the merest of air movements, such as someone performing only the deed of walking past them.

Oh, I took the necessary precautions alright. I had carried the bag and the box, in separate trips, into the garage. I knew that when dealing with the packing industry's man-made snow, there was no way I wanted to be in a leeward position to unpredictable rushes of wind.

Have I ever mentioned that the wind blows? I tell I was being watched. Someone flipped on the switch of that unseen fan to its nth speed! First there was a suction that pulled the garage door open. Then there was the inexplicable deflection of the wind against the open door. One moment I was feeling smug having felt a sense of victory over my nemesis the wind. The next, I was in whiteout conditions!

Have you ever noticed that when you pop corn you always seem to get far more popped kernels than what you actually poured into the pan in the first place? So it was that the flying flakes of Styrofoam packing peanuts filled the garage, even drifting in the corners. There is no doubt in my mind - the wind blows !

Yard Work

The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

Yard Work Charades

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes in to take a shower.

Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.")

She understands his gestures and she replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her butt, and then rubbing her crotch.

The man is confused and runs upstairs.

"What? What was that?" he asked.

She answered, "Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

And finally...

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!



Jack K. said...

Hale, I have a secret to share with you. I am not sure if you have heard about it before or not. It is a secret that most Americans are afraid to discuss in private, much less than publicly.

No shit, Wind Blows.


You did not hear it here first.


Queenie said...

We are using popcorm (cooked) for packaging here in the UK (Global warming reasons) so that would have been better.

Serena Joy said...

Funny post, as always. And I am still blown away by the Twilight Zone thingy. :)