Monday, September 10, 2007

Face It, You're Getting Older


- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

- You start video taping daytime game shows.

- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

- You look both ways before crossing a room.

- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.


1 comment:

Hale McKay said...

Some of these ring true for me - not all of them - but enough!