Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Redenbacher Strain

It had to happen sooner or later that someone would decide to remake Michael Crichton's "The Andromeda Strain."

In the remake, "The Redenbacher Strain", humanity is not about to be wiped out by a mutated organism from space, but instead faces extinction from ... buttered popcorn fumes!

Wait! It's not a movie!

Okay, the preceding paragraph was a satirical remark based on the latest threat du jour to the health and welfare of humanity. Apparently, breathing the aroma of buttered popcorn is harmful to your health.

It seems that a certain chemical compound, namely diacetyl, which is present in buttered popcorn escapes into the air we breathe. At particular risk are the workers in the production and processing areas of those companies which distribute packaged popcorn.

The danger, however, is not limited to the aforementioned workers. We are in danger in the comfort of our own homes! What, I ask you, is the greatest invention since the microwave oven? Microwave Popcorn, of course! What is present along with a cold drink when we settle onto the sofa to watch a movie on television? You guessed it, Microwave Popcorn! That euphoric aroma wafting about us can only be one thing - Microwave Popcorn!

Just think of those other places where you might be exposed to buttery popcorn fumes: the movie theater, sporting venues, shopping malls, carnivals and the circus! Who always draws a crowd at parades? Yep, the popcorn vendor.

How many more of our creature comforts are going to be taken away from us? I, for one, love the smell of popcorn in the morning afternoon or evening! Let someone else pop up a batch of that manna, I'm right there - the best of friends! I cannot, will not walk by a kiosk that sells fresh popcorn!

It has gotten to the point that everything I like is not good for me, or should be consumed in moderation. Now I ask you, how can popcorn be eaten in moderation? Let's see, I've been advised to cut back on foods containing trans fats. At one time they told us to avoid eggs. Then they told us too much milk and dairy products weren't healthy. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture.

Oh yes, don't forget that there have been studies that suggest that bottled waters are not necessarily as pure as advertised. Think about it, why should water have "sell-by" dates? As it turns out, these bottles of so-called natural water contain additives that are not only not found in natural water, but aren't even found in nature! Can you say 'man-made' additives and preservatives?

Isn't it curious that we used to drink unpasteurized and un-homogenized milk, made our cheeses and butters from it, and yet we never heard the term 'lactose intolerant?' I tell you, I'm beginning to get health-conscious intolerant!

I hear that Oprah is pissed off about the whole flap over buttered popcorn. For a brief moment I almost gained a bit of respect for her. Then I realized she's angry because she didn't get to break the news just like she did with the mad cow scare years ago.

As we would expect, Al Gore isn't happy about it either, because he invented buttered popcorn. He got the idea that it would be the perfect snack for us while we enjoy the benefits of another of his inventions - the Internet.

I think I know the source of this health scare. It is actually a contrived conspiracy by none other than Michael Moore to promote his next unbiased film!

I fear that this controversy over buttered popcorn is going to have a serious adverse impact on the social scene. I mean, how are those young men out there ever going to hone their dating skills without buttered popcorn? How many young impressionable girls are never going to experience a "popcorn surprise?" They could also miss out on the sensual delights of "popcorn lap," also known as "popcorn crotch." How else can a lad be expected to break the ice in a darkened movie theater without 'accidentally' spilling popcorn into his date's lap and greedily scooping up the spillage?

Today's catch phrase: The best things in life are free - the worst things are fat free!

Excuse me, but I need a hit! Ahhhh! I just opened a bag of fresh-popped movie butter microwave popcorn. I just placed my nose above the bag as I opened it and inhaled long and deep. That's right, I just snorted buttered popcorn fumes!

Why not go pop a bag for yourself and enjoy it while reading, if you haven't already, the latest installment of Her Cups Runneth Over.

Not interested in a sexy murder mystery? Perhaps you'd be interested in exclusive photos of the finalists of the 2007 Greatest Ass Contest. Check it out here!



OldHorsetailSnake said...

Great Ass Contest. Unanimous here too.

Jack K. said...

Life is hazardous to your health.

Have we gotten so concerned about anti-bacterials that our systems can no longer develop our natural immunities?

I bet the fact that we no longer have to do manual labor has added to our susceptibility to fats and trans fats, etc.

Pass the pop corn and a Guiness, please.