"I never stole a joke I didn't like." - Milton Berle
Jacob and Rebecca
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
....Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
....The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
....Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
....Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
....Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
....Pharmacist: "All kinds."
....Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
....Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
....Pharmacist: "Of course."
....Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
....Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
....Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
....Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
....Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Not In My Garden
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating, "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain crap in our garden."
Never Make A Woman Angry...
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
....She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
....When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
...."You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
...."Which word?" the woman asked.
...."Love," he replied.
....The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
....About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
....While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
...."I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
...."Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
...."You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
...."Which word?" her husband asked.
Moral of the story:
Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
Ladies Night Out
Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
....When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
....Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
....In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.
....Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
....The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt. Grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."
Being a Good Catholic Girl.....
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
....They are in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
....She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my fingers.
....St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tips of your fingers in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
....St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
....The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
....St. Peter says, "Okay dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
....All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
....When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Pattie! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it." !!!!!!
Ooh La La!
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Anyone Up For A Quickie?
Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having.
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."
The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!"
She storms off and Dubya looks confused.
Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE!