Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sermon on the Blog

How about a little sacreligious fun today?

"This just has to be a joke!"

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday moring service. She's in tears.
He asks, "So what's troubling you, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I have terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damned gun...'"

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."
The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord says, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
God says, "Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."
The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
And the French were not interested.
God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."
"Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."



Scary Monster said...

knows that religious humour be on the wrong side of political correctness, but this stuff just cracks me up.

Moses ...Lifeguard LMAO, Really!


Queenie said...

I some stuff thats the wrong side of political correctness. The barman was great, its something that will stay with me.

Queenie said...

Missed the word "love", the little brain I have going faster than the fingers on the keyboard..

Peter said...

Just love that burial service for the septic tank Mike.

Jack K. said...

Very funny!

Serena Joy said...

LOL! Funny post, Mike, made even funnier by the fact that I am so fed up with political correctness.:-)

BTW, I forgot to tell you on my blog -- happy Veterans Day!

Superstar said...

I lOVE the moses and the lifeguard!!! LOL ;o)

I really like your humor!

Thanks again for voting! I really need all the help I can get!