Thanksforbearing

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler.

The little boy asked, "can I have a beer?"

Grandpa replied, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

The little boy answered, "No Grandpa, it's just a little pecker!"

Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"

Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

The little boy answered "no," again.

Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar."

A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.

Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"

The boy asked, Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!"

The boy replied, "Then go f--k yourself! Grandma made these for me."

A little old lady in the nursing home held up her clenched fist and announced, "Anyone who can guess what I have in my closed hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear called out, "An elephant?"
She replied, "Close enough!"

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces?"
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

No.1171