Tuesday, December 11, 2007
("Borrowed" and edited from a Humor.com post.)
Bush Legal Team Sues
to Prevent Santa Recount
By S. Artist Reuters
Washington (Dec. 12) - Attorneys for President George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the U.S. Supreme Court, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker. Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Pres. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." He went on to say that he has the full support of his father, former President George H. Bush.
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
After a crowbar had been used to remove her lips from Barack Obama's rectum, Oprah Winfrey chimed in on the issue. Said Winfrey, "If I were to check once and even twice the titles on my Book List, why there would be no titles at all there." Her "mouthpiece" refused comment.
Self-proclaimed domestic goddess, Martha Stewart, said she would be happy to review the list. She stated that Santa's list should be transcribed onto an expensive silk woven stationery and then bound into book form with pink lace ribbons.
Meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for. Cheney was reported as having invited Santa to his ranch to take in some pheasant hunting.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
For your amusement, here is list of actual "Bushisms" gathered together in the form of a poem.
Make the Pie Higher
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!
Curmudgeon responsible for this post: Hale McKay at 8:14 PM