Monday, December 10, 2007

Ice, Ice, Baby: A Lamentation

Last night we were hit with a winter storm that has swept across the country. While the Boston area was south of the snow line and north of the rain line, we were smack in the middle of the rain/sleet/ice part of the storm.

When the morning light broke there was a pretty, but sinister, shimmering effect on everything outside. The streets, sidewalks and stairs were coated with an eighth of an inch of hardened ice. The tree branches and the utility wires sagged under the added weight. Fotunately neither had succumbed and fallen.

I don't own a pair of ice skates, but I could have used them this morning while I was trying to remove the ice from the windshied and windows of my truck. With skates on my feet it would've been a lot less laborious task trying to turn the key in the lock to open the doors. The slightest pressure of my upper body caused my feet to slide freely in angles and directions for which they weren't designed.

When I looked skyward and yelled at the perpetrator of the storm, "Kiss my ass," it was the driveway that eagerly obliged. To say that my gluteus maximus and the asphalt of my driveway had several intimate moments, would be putting it lightly.

Since I had put the cart before the horse, I finally corrected that mistake and retrieved the ice melt. While my backside and driveway were maintaining their intimacy I scattered the ice melt the length of the driveway.

When I was able to stand and walk about I ended the torrid affair of driveway and buttocks. I was fortunate that nothing more than my pride was harmed or bruised. With the aid of an extension cord running from a window plugged into a hair dryer, I was able to get the drivers side door open. It took only five minutes for the defroster to start melting the ice caked on the windshield.

It was 10:45am when I finally had the stairs and driveway pretty much cleared of ice. By the time I had gone inside and raised my inner body temperature by administering two cups of hot coffee, I was ready to head off to work. Would you believe it? The temperature by the time had risen and the street ice, coupled with passing traffic, had melted. So too it had happened with the driveway. DAMN IT! I could've slept in and still left athe house at the very same time!

Ice! What good is it? Ah, I can think of a practical use for ice. I think I'll set it to music - because - I feel a song parody forming in my head ...

Ice Cubes
( Sung to the tune of
Sleigh Ride )

Just hear those ice cubes jingle-ing, ring ting tingle-ing too;
Come on, barkeep another drink with ice cubes together with booze.
Inside the drunks are falling And friends are calling from the loo;
Come on, it's no bother for some more ice cubes together with booze

Belly-up! Belly-up! Belly-up, let's drink,
Don't pee in the sink.
We're imbibing in a wonderbar of drink.
Belly-up! Belly-up! Belly-up, it's fab
Just running up a tab,
We're hitting it off with some girl
Please call us a taxi cab.

Her cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cozy are we;
We're snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be.
Let's down the drink before us and then he'll pour us a few
Come on, it's no bother for more ice cubes together with booze.

There's a hap-happy hour party at the bar this evening;
It'll be so difficult for us to even think of leaving.
We'll be singing the songs we love to sing while we karaoke
On the barstools while we laugh as the barman tells a joke.
There's a drunken feeling like nothing I've ever found
When they pass around the tray holding the next round.

I'll tell my friends all of the things that we did for some high fives.
Those wonderful things are the things we remember all through our lives.



Jack K. said...

We are having our round of ice storm as I write this. I refuse to venture from our cozy home. Being semi-retired has its advantages.

Glad to know that only your pride was hurt. Who knew that sidewalks and driveways were such ass-kissers? tee hee.

I know, it is impolite to make fun of someone else's misfortune. I just couldn't help myself. If I keep this up I can use all of the coal I get in my Christmas stocking to reduce the heating bill.

Make it a great day, Hale.

Skunkfeathers said...

Having a bout of winter stwarm hyarbouts just now, I unnerstand the plight both SE and NE of us. I spent and hour and a half driving to work, and an hour and a half driving back, for what's normally 35 min each way.

As for the pavement kissing my grits, well...before the season's over, it will ;) Me and my big klutz feet are overdue...