Friday, January 11, 2008

We'll Have NUN of That!

Let's Do It Again!

Two nuns were cycling down a cobbled street.

The first one says "I've never come this way before."

The second one replies "Must be the cobbles!"

Smoking a Camel

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
....After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
...."I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
...."I agree," says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
...."Anything, Father."
...."I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
....The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
...."Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
...."Father, could I ask something of you?"
...."Yes, Sister?"
...."I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
...."I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.
...."Oh Father, may I touch it?"
....The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
...."Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
...."Is that true Father?"
...."Yes, it is, Sister."
...."Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"
I Beg To Differ

Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them.
The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
It's A Miracle!

A group on nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the (male) driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted.
...As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled.
....The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
.... "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.
.... "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
.... "But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
.... "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".
....So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "Son..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me."
....At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.
....The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
He Has Her Covered

During a blizzard, a parishiner of a Milwaukee parish was in a bad accident near Green Bay. The priest and nun from Milwaukee were driving up to the hospital the victim was in, in case last rites were necessary. As they were driving, the storm got worse and worse.
....Finally they decided they would have to stop for the night because the roads were so bad. The only motel they could find was already full of stranded travellers. The clerk told the priest "Since you are a priest and all, I will give you a room for the night, but I just can't give you each a separate room, you will have to make do with two beds in one room."
....The priest thanked him and payed for the room. During the night, the power went out, and the heat went out with it. Luckily there were a lot of blankets is the closet.
....After a while, the nun called out, "Father, Father, I'm cold." So the priest got another blanket and put it on her. After a while longer, she said "Father, I'm cold, can you get me another blanket?" So he did. After a while, she again asked for a blanket.
....This time the priest responded "I think in the situation we should pretend to be husband and wife in order to keep warm."
....The nun was stunned and didn't think it was appropriate, but he was the priest, so she really couldn't argue. As she lifted the blankets to crawl into the bed next to him she said, "Okay, Father, if you are sure its proper we can pretend to be husband and wife."
....He immediately responded, "SO GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"

The pastor was so pleased with his donkey that he entered it in the race. It won.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. When came to, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day...

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must' attend!"

"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.

She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"



Jack K. said...

Surely there is a place in heaven for those with a great sense of humor.

You have certainly earned yours, even if you borrowed these jokes. lol.

cathy said...

Three nuns were sitting on a fence when a streaker ran past, 2 of them had a stroke but the third one couldn't reach.

Mushy said...

I laughed out loud to the all...thanks!

Hale McKay said...

I like that one, Cathy. I've used it before and it is still funny.