Saturday, January 12, 2008

Laughin' Larry's Lamentations

Laughin' Larry is just an ordinary guy, a poor slob who struggles through life. The only thing is, life keeps getting in his way.

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It's Pay Day!

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've
got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and
my paint job is getting a little dull ....
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially
hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip
and slide and skid and bump into things even in the
best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Forrest Gump's mama was wrong,
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
It's like a jar of jalapenos.
You never know when it's going to burn your ass.

Yup, I found out the hard way what the punishment for bigamy is ... two mothers-in-law!

It was after my first divorce that I realized poker isn't the only game that starts out with holding hands and ends up with staggering losses.

You always remember your first true love. We never actually split up though - we just stopped speaking to each other and went our own separate ways.

My second wife was such a nag! She started on our honeymoon. She asked if I wanted to get some breakfast. I said, "Nah, I'm not hungry right now." Then later she asked if I wanted to get some lunch. I told her I still wasn't hungry. Then after awhile she asked if I wanted to get some supper. I said to her, "NO. I'm not hungry." Well she yelled at me and said, "Then get off me so I can get something. I'm starving."

My first wife tricked me into getting married. She said that if I didn't marry her, she would get pregnant. What else could I do? She had me over a barrel.

One day I said to my wife, "What do you think the neighbors would say if I went outside and mowed the lawn with no clothes on?" She didn't even look up from her Lady's Home Journal and said, "That I married you for your money."

My present wife is a terrible housekeeper. It didn't seem to bother her much until the other day when I yelled to her from the front hall, "Honey, what happened to the dust on the table? I had an important phone number written there." She hasn't said a word to me since, but the lump on my head still hurts.

Women! I can't figure them out. My wife is always complaining that I don't have sex enough with her. So last week I thought I'd surprise her. I snuck up behind her and got amorous and said, "There's no football games on TV, you want to make love?" The trip to the dentist cost me $300!



Mushy said...

All hilarious and most I can personally identify with easily!

Hale McKay said...

Mushy, I think a lot of guys can relate good ol' Larry.

Serena Joy said...

LOL! That was hilarious.:-)