Friday, April 18, 2008

Size Does Matter

The Internal Revenue Service, not content with taxing our income and financial assets, has announced that there will be additional taxes to be levied beginning with tax year ending 2008.

The American tax payers are afforded tax break deductions for the number of dependents claimed, and as such the IRS has decided that we should be taxed for the luxury of producing those said dependents.

Since the number of times in which coitus occurs cannot be accurately verified, and bearing in mind that people are not totally honest about the frequency of said acts, the new tax will be calculated according to the tax payers' sexual organs, henceforth to be referred to as assets.

These assets will include, but not limited to, the female breasts, man breasts, the male penis and the he-she penis. Regardless of when, how often and where said assets are used, the tax will be based upon the size of said assets.

Please refer to the following charts to determine the rates of assessment:


The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed in the past is the penis. This is due to the fact that:

40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed.

20% of the time it's pissed off.

30% of the time it's hard up.

10% of the time it is in the hole.

On top of all this, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 2oo8, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form.

10 to 12 Inches = Luxury Tax $50.00*

8 to 10 inches = Pole Tax $30.00

6 to 8 inches = Privilege Tax $15.00

4 to 6 inches = Nuisance Tax $5.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.


* Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains using the long form.


Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service


Since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it has come to believe that women shouldn't be left out. So they have decided that a Breast Tax is in order. The assessment will be based upon cup sizes.

Please refer to the chart below for your tax computation:

AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00
A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.


* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax adviser for the KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.



Peter said...

Hi Mike, can you please forward details on the refund system in the penis tax.
Thank you for your prayers/good wishes, Vicki & family and myself have taken great comfort in the warmth you have offered.

Cheri said...

just when I got my tax issues looks like I owe them another $40. what do you owe them?

Hale McKay said...


Didn't you know I'm a collector?

I'm afraid I'm going to have audit you.

Hale McKay said...


I'll send them right out.

I am glad to see that Vicki received favorable news.