Unplugged

I never realized just how much my life centers around the computer. It's as if I and the machine have been integrated into components of the other.

There must be a Borg influence at work in the form of assimilation. I never really thought about my time on the computer in terms of hours, most likely because I didn't really want to know.

No, I never really realized how much time I spend plugged into my computer. That is until today when I found myself ... unplugged.

Actually, I got a new computer, well sort of. To be more precise, it is a newer one. It has almost twice the memory and in comparison its speed can be likened to a cheetah versus the snail-like precision of the older unit.

My son-in-law, who has forgotten more about building computers than I probably will ever learn, was handling the switch over. He estimated that it would take the better part of the day before I would be up and running. His installation chores included running new fiber optic wiring into the house from the main cable line, re-programming the modem, testing the system and finally loading the necessary software packages.

I found that it's one thing to be off-line because of choice, but it's quite another not to be able to go on-line when you want, because you can't.

Harking back to the old days before the modern washing machines of today, an old saying comes to mind: "I feel like I've been run through a wringer." I'll update that old adage with a more up to date version: "I feel like I've been run through a floppy disc drive!"

After he completed the installation, I sat down and started loading some of the old files I had earlier copied to disc. These included a collection of jokes, cartoons and pictures. While I was doing that, I discovered I had a near encyclopedic tome of them relating to computers alone. Since it was 10 pm by the time I copied the files onto the computer, it only seem natural that today's post would have a computer flavor.

When We Were Our Kids' Age...

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy. …

… you just hoped nobody ever found out!

A Client once asked me to look at his computer. He said it was running so slow when he went into a Barely 18 porn site. By the time it loaded up the girls were in the Mature Site.

The secretary changing the toner accidentally drops a pen into the office laser printer and can not retrieve it. She then makes up a sign to warn people of this problem. The sign reads:

Please Don’t Use
PENIS STUCK in Printer

Artist, Lawyer & Computer Geek

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

12 Step Plan For Web Addicts

-1) - I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

-2) - I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

-3) - I will get dressed before noon.

-4) - I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

-50 - I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

-6) - I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

-7) - I will read a book... if I still remember how.

-8) - I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

-9) - I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) - I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) - I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) - Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!


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