And lo I climbed upon the mount ...... seeking the Great Guru who dwelt there.
I asked of the Great Guru who dwelt there, "Oh Great Guru who dwells upon this mount, can I ask you to impart some of your great wisdom upon this mere mortal?"
The Great Guru who dwelt upon the mount replied, "Oy vey! Climb upon a mount to find a place to take a crap in peace, and do these mere mortals leave you alone? But no-oooo!"
The Great Guru moved not a muscle but spoke in soothing tones, "What is it, mere mortal that gives you cause to climb upon the mount where I dwell?"
"Oh Great Guru, what it is that troubles this mere mortal and has given me much cause to climb upon the mount where you dwell, is a troubling one."
"Let me guess, mere mortal, that which troubles you so much and which gave you cause to climb upon the mount where I dwell, does it not have something to do with such a troubling conundrum as the Meaning of Life?"
"No, Great Guru, that is not that which gave me cause to climb upon the mount where you dwell. I know that of which you speak, this Meaning of Life."
"Oy vey! Now these mere mortals who climb upon the mount know more than he who dwells here?"
"Pray tell, mere mortal who has climbed atop the mount where I dwell, what say you is the Meaning of Life?"
"Oh Great Guru who dwells upon this mount, the answer to the Meaning of Life is 42! It is the answer to life, the universe and everything. It is not the answer we should be seeking, but the correct question. It has been long revealed to us mere mortals by Douglas Adams in his spiritual works, The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy."
"Mere mortal, how is it that news of this has not enlightened one who would dwell in seclusion upon a mount?"
"Perhaps Great Guru, that the mount upon which you dwell is not wi-fi enabled, or perhaps the trouble lies with your ISP."
"Oy vey! Now the mere mortal who climbs upon the mount where I dwell is a Tech?"
"Oh Great Guru, is the time not right for this mere mortal to make inquiries of you who dwells upon this mount?"
"Mortal one, time is of no essence to one who dwells upon a mount. But seeing that is nearly time for Jeopardy... Is that which troubles you and gave you cause to climb upon the mount upon where I dwell related to your sexual inadequacies?"
It was not the question that I, a mere mortal who had climbed upon the mount where he dwelt, was seeking an answer to. The Great Guru gave me no chance to protest as he closed his eyes and slipped into a deep trance. Thus he muttered magical words of wisdom and the knowledge of the ages spewed forth.
"Man's problems with sex began long ago. It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.Then the Great Guru opened his eyes and gazed upon me. He spoke and said to me, "Mere mortal who had cause to climb upon the mount where I dwell, is this not the answer you seek to that which troubled you?"
Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?"
But the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", the monkey protested, "Ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said that of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said that yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of 'lion' about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself."
I looked him in the eye and replied, "Oh Great Guru, that was very interesting and all, but hardly enlightening. It sounded just like a joke I read on the Internet only last night. It was not, however, the question for which I was seeking an answer and thus the cause for me to climb upon the mount where you dwell."
I could sense that the Great Guru was becoming increasingly annoyed as he glanced at his wrist watch, a genuine New York street-vendor Rolex. In five minutes Jeopardy would be starting.
"Allow me, oh Great Guru, to ask the burning and troubling question which has given me cause to climb upon the mount where you dwell. Then will I take leave of you."
"By all means, mere mortal. Ask of me the troubling question which has given you cause to climb upon the mount to where I dwell."
I noticed him shifting where he sat and I heard what I thought was the muffled sound of one breaking wind. A curious aroma besieged my olfactory senses. It gave me cause to wonder where one who dwelt upon a mount would find a place of privacy to take a crap.
But that was a question for another day and it would give me cause to climb upon the mount where the Great Guru dwelt at some future time. And time was of no essence to one who dwelt atop a mount - unless, of course, it was time for Jeopardy.
"Oh Great Guru, the troubling question which has given me cause to climb upon the mount where you dwell should be simple for one as wise as you."
"Why, oh Great Guru, is it that there are those who when knowing they are detested and have no chance of succeeding continue in their endeavors?"
I paused for effect and because I knew he would not be able to answer the troubling question which had given me cause to climb upon the mount to where he dwelt.
"Great Guru, why in the f**k doesn't Hillary quit?"