The Thief of Bad Gags

All It Takes Is Guts!

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."


It Turned Orange, Doc!

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. The doctor tells the guy, "This is very strange, although sometimes things like this are caused by stress. How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about 2 months ago. The doctor tells him this could be the cause of the stress.

The man responds, "No." The boss was a real asshole. I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your life at home?"

The man says, "Well, I got divorced about 8 months ago."

The doc figures this has got to be the reason for all of the man's stress, but the man says, "No. For years all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos.

The next one I stole from Old Hoss.

A lot of folks can't understand how we have an oil shortage in this country.

There's a very simple answer: Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas and a few bitty other places.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, D.C.

Rules of Engagement

"What's this I hear about your breaking off your engagement?" a mother asked her daughter. "The boy gave you a huge ring."

"Well, his diamond was of pretty good quality," the daughter answered, "but his mounting left a lot to be desired."

Cost of Living

For his birthday a litle boy ask for a 10-speed bicycle. "Son, we'd give you one," his father said, "but the mortgage on this house is $280,000, andd your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it in our current situation."

The next day the father saw his son heading out the front door with a suitcase. He asked, "Son, where are you going?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I was walking past your bedroom last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard Mom tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike."

No.1308