Sunday, April 13, 2008

L.S.M.F.T.*

*Lazy Slacker Must File Taxes
Alas, I am one of a few (sic) Americans who has waited until the last minute to file Income Taxes. Under normal circumstances "1040" makes me think that it is twenty minutes of eleven.

I remember when L.S.M.F.T. was a slogan on a cigarette commercial. Do you remember what that acronym actually meant? No, I'm not referring to that joke we learned in Junior High about a loose strap!
"While President Bush was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, 'Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.'" - Jay Leno
It's time I figured out into how many pieces I'm going to be sliced and diced! Why is that I when think of an IRS auditor, I visualize a butcher in a blood-stained apron?
A harp is a piano after taxes.

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
When it comes to claiming dependents, I fail to see the logic that our government applies to this line item. Have they ever taken a gander at what I pay out to my home-heating oil man, gas station attendant or mechanic? If you ask me, they are very much dependent of me! What about my doctor, who without me couldn't afford his greens fees?
Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?

A businessman was near death and made arrangements for his remains to be sent to the Internal Revenue Service with the following note: "Now you have it all."
New Income Tax Form

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

If Nathan Hale were alive today he would be quoted as saying, "My only regret is that I have but only one income to give to my country."

Patrick Henry ought to come back and see what taxation with representation is like.
Marriage does have one advantage over co-habitation, at least you can file a joint return. The honeymoon was over though when she began to suspect she might not be anything more than a tax deduction.

On the other hand, the way the cost of living and taxes are today, you might as well marry for love.
What God hath joined together, let no higher tax bracket put asunder.
The only things certain are death and taxes.

What is the definition of death?

It's when you stop paying taxes - suddenly!


Zero Gravity!

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Enough of the serious blogging - it's time for some humor. Wait a minute! I forgot to write anything serious! It's just as well, nobody comes here to read serious posts anyway!
Eternal Punishment For Cheating

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"


Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

No.1319

13 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Taxes -- ugh! And I'm sure poor Tony feels the same way.:)

Hale McKay said...

Serena,

"Taxes -- ugh!" My sentiments exactly!

How do supposed the supermodel feels?

And remember ...

Drive safely. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get!

Skunkfeathers said...

Uncle Sam already got the results of my annual fiscal-equivalent-of-proctological-exam...and as usual, I got pencil screwed (expletive downgraded).

VE said...

Just go on the Wesley Snipes method of tax preparation: None.

Hale McKay said...

Skunk,

Taxed-tucked where the sun don't shine, eh?

Hale McKay said...

VE,

That why they put him asleep to wake up in the future to battle Stallone?

Jack K. said...

L = Lucky
S = Strike
M = Means
F = Fine
T = Tobacco.

Do you remember when Lucky Strike green went to war?

I'll get back to reading the rest of the post after reading the next Eddie installment.

Jack K. said...

The Eddie installment was fantastic. But, you already know my comment from there.

Thank goodness for CPA's.

Liked the snail mail cartoon.

Hale McKay said...

Jack,

Glad you enjoyed the last installment of "Eddie." But then you know that from my comments there.

Hale McKay said...

Jack,

Every time I see those letters, L.S.M.F.T., I almost automatically start reciting ...

"Loose Strap Means ..."

Well, you know the rest.

Jack K. said...

Hale, actually I would have to guess at the rest. tee hee.

I have had a ginormous senior moment on that one. However, my imagination still works full time. When I am not sure of something, I usually make up an answer.

Falling t's?

Snerx!!

Hale McKay said...

Jack,

We used the word "floppy."

Jack K. said...

Thanks for the clarification.

giggle