Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Pope and The Dope*

Washington, D.C. -

The nation awaits Pope Benedict XVI's first visit to America.
In the Oval Office President Bush is being briefed by Condoleeza Rice on the proper etiquette and protocol he should exercise when he meets with the Pope.

The woman is exhausted and she has pulled out some of her hair in attempt to make sure that the President doesn't embarrass himself in front the Pope, the Press and thus the whole world.

Condo: Did you review all the material I prepared for you?
Dubya: Yeah. But I think you spelled Popeacy wrong. You wrote down Papacy.
Condo: That's right. It is Papacy.
Dubya: Oh? Then I should refer to him as the Pape like the sound of grape?
Condo: No, no, no! He's the Pope, dope! You must show respect for the Holy See!
Dubya: Holy Sea? I do know a lot about that. They used to call it the Red Sea. Betcha didn't know that, didja? And that Moses fella then went and parted the water. Moses ... Moses ... Oh yeah, his full name was Moses Malone and he played for the Pharaohs.
Condo: Uh ... Right. Do me a favor, Mr. President. Please don't show off your trivia skills with Pope Benedict.
Dubya: Pope Benedict, eh? He must have hurt himself playing soccer ...
Condo: ? Soccer? What are you babbling about?
Dubya: Hell, everyone knows when you play sports you gotta wear a cup.
Condo: I'm afraid to ask ...
Dubya: Think about it. If he'd been wearing a cup he would have never bent his dick in the first place!
Condo: (GROAN!)


Sally Fields has announced plans to produce a new television situation comedy. The show will chronicle the misadventures of a fictional Pope who has the ability to use his holy raiment to actually fly. The Holy Father will be seen buzzing the faithful in the streets of Vatican City.

Oddly enough, Ms. Fields played Sister Betrille, a nun with the identical aerial abilities in a TV series titled The Flying Nun. It should come as no surprise that this new weekly comedy series will be titled The Flying Pope.

Satisfied that the President has been sufficiently briefed, Condoleeza Rice returned to her office and promptly called her travel agent to book a vacation to someplace as far from Washington D.C. as possible.

A little later the Pope pulls up in front of the White House in his brand new Mercedes Pope Mobile.

Dubya: Heh-heh! Everytime I see that car of his with the shower stall on the back, I can't help but sing 'Da-da-da-da-da-da-da, Batman!' Heh-heh! Tsktsk! Why does he wear that tacky bath robe everywhere he goes? Can't he afford some Wrangler jeans and a flannel shirt? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da, Batman!
Cheney: George! Let's grab our shotguns! There's a man in a Ku Klux Klan outfit otside. He must be gonna assassinate the Pope!
George: Calm down, Dick. He is the Pope!
Cheney: Oh! Where'd he get the cool KKK suit?
George: Probably from Cathlick Charities.
Cheney: What, he can't afford Wranglers and a flannel shirt?

Later still, the President greets the Pope. In private Pope Benedict blesses President Bush's presidency. The President asks the Pope if he wanted to hear to his confessions. The Pope graciously declines stating that he wasn't going to be in America long enough to hear them.

Prez: (Remembering Condi's advice) So Pope Dope, did you come over here to kick some butt? Hell, with all those sleazy petal-file priests you got, you're gonna have one mighty tired kickin' leg!
Pope: Pardon?
Prez: You're gonna pardon them? Popey, Popey! You'll piss off a lot of Cathlicks if you let them off the hook. I'll tell you what. I'll be leaving the office when they elect a new President. One of my last acts in the office is to pardon murderers and such. Give me a list of their names and I'll pardon them for you. Hell, the American people are already pissed off at me. Another reason or two won't matter.
Pope: You drive a hard bargain. What would you want in exchange for this kind act?
Prez: I'm sure I can come up with something. (See pic at left.)
Pope: What you ask is a tall order. You'll have to throw in something else to sweeten the deal.
Prez: What do you have in mind, Popemeister?
Pope: You can take me to expensive fancy American restaurant.
Prez: Deal! I know just the place!
Pope: This place have good food and lots of it?
Prez: You bet your sweet Holy ass! What do the Eye-talians say? Aye carumba?
Pope: I think you mean abbondanza!
Prez: That too!
Pope: What is name of this place?
Prez: Why it's only the best eatin' place in America, Hooters!
Pope: That is place where women wear tight shirts and they all have naturbusen?
Prez: Yes, they have natural bosoms.
Pope: Such a place not good for Pope and President to be seen. For my trip to America it would not be germane.
Prez: Ah, you want to go a German restaurant. I forgot you were a Kraut.

A little later than the last later, and with the aid of the secret servicemen, the President and the Pope slip off to an exclusive restaurant. Because the restaurant was staffed with illegal non-English speaking immigrants, the two of them feast in relative anonymity.

At a scheduled press conference Pope Benedict XVI addresses the American people. He praises President Bush's hospitality. He also gives high regard for the American food, and not necessarily in that order.

*(If you are Catholic and are offended by this parody post, feel free to send in your names. President Bush will add them to his "Pardon List." If you are a President Bush supporter, Pope Benedict will add you to his prayer list.)



CDO said...

Always Good Stuff.

10-4 Willy

Hale McKay said...

cdo (Hillbilly Willy),

Thank you for the comment and the visit.

It's high time I high-tailed back over to your place for some Hillbilly laughs.

Jack K. said...

Screwed either way.

Great post.

Jack K. said...

BTW, I believe the photo of the Pope-mobile depicts a BMW rather than a Mercedes. But who is keeping score? Snerx!

Serena Joy said...

Thanks for introducing a little levity into all this papal "royalty" stuff. Love the cartoons -- and the Bushisms.:)

Hale McKay said...


You are correct. The pictured Pope Mobile is indeed a BMW. I two pictures of the "shower stall" vehicle - the one I didn't use was the new Mercedes model.

Hale McKay said...


I decided not use a picture of a bar of soap shaped like the Pontiff. I backed off on any possible "Pope on a Rope" jokes and inferences.