The Truth, the Whole Truth...?

"Why do I have to keep proving to people that I am not a liar?" - Hillary Clinton - 2000 Senate Campaign

"Lies, lies. You're tellin' me that you'll be true
Lies, Lies. That's all I ever hear from you." - the Knickerbockers

Lies: The Stuff Legacies Are Made Of

We heard the story of how Hillary and Chelsea Clinton placed themselves in harm's way to support our forces and dodged sniper fire while visiting our troops in the Middle East. - Strike one.

We heard the story that as a Senator from New York she proclaimed opposition to the war in Iraq before Barack Obama. - Strike two.

We can only assume that after sticking both feet in her mouth she'll be tiptoeing the path between the truth, half lies and blatant lies more carefully now. She'll be wearing truth like a badge of honor. If you believe that, I've got a sweet deal for you on a horse I have for sale!

Just when we thought it was safe to believe her (ominous cello music in background) some excerpts from her newest book, "Profiles in Scourge," have been leaked by an anonymous source. The book is purported to be a compilation of her life accomplishments.

The list and detailed explanations of her many, if not historical deeds are quite impressive. However, I cannot help but wonder if the book should be labeled as auto-biographical or satire.

It was interesting to learn that the famous Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix was actually her secret recipe that she provided to the manufacturer for just a 50% share of the profits.

I am glad that she has cleared up one controversial issue in the first chapter. It was she and not Al Gore who invented the Internet!

She reveals that she was a studio member of the Spice Girls. She went by the name of "Rash" Spice.

It was shocking to read that she mailed music and lyrics she had written to John Lennon and Paul McCartney. She never forgave them for not giving her credit when the songs were released.

She is very proud to inform readers that she once served as the military advisor to Joan of Arc. She gave the famous woman the confidence to go into battle and taught her the necessary leadership skills to lead an army.

Hillary expresses anger toward the French because they called her Joan of Arc as a shortened form of "Joan of Arcadia." She hopes that one day historians will correct the egregious error and use the proper title, "Joan of Arkansas."

She weaves a fascinating account of her long-time friendship with Anne Boleyn. She tells how she helped the shy and unassuming woman to take pride in herself and to work hard to get what she wanted. She advised her to chase Henry VIII and go for the throne. She told Anne that one day she herself was going to do the same thing.

So it was that Anne Boleyn gained the same chutzpah possessed by her mentor to become a power-hungry figure who set her sights high and went after it with unbridled vigor. She soon succeeded in her quest for the throne when Henry had his marriage to Catherine annulled. Although Hillary told her not to lose her head over any man, her advice fell on deaf ears.

To the right is the ill-fated Anne Boleyn shortly after the confrontation of the back of her neck and the business end of the blade of a guillotine.

I was much surprised to learn that Betsy Ross did not know how to use a needle and thread, much less design and make our nation's first flag. She had to take a crash course.

Sure enough, it was Hillary there to teach her how to not only sew, but to embroider, quilt, tat, knit and crochet. Hillary expresses some disappointment that Betsy did not follow her original pattern, which had blue and white stripes and red stars on a white field.

Later on Hillary would write the lyrics to an anthem befitting America's flag. She penned the words while Francis Scott Key cowered in the corner of his cell while the bombs were bursting in air.

The above excerpts are just a teaser of a plethora of tales that Hillary feels the voting public should know about her and her life.

There is one anecdote that will be included in her book to which she protested, but as a prerequisite to her cash advance the publisher insisted it remain.

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Finally, Hillary, in a forward to the book, states that when she achieves her goal of sitting on the throne in the White House, she will not make the same mistake as her protege, the late Anne Boleyn. She will not lose her head.

When necessary she will keep a miniature guillotine on her desk in the Oval Office as a reminder of her power and her legacy. The device will be a working model designed with a small basket just the right dimensions for the First Husband's testicles.

No.1316