Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Bare Necessities

Tonight was a late night at work. Still a little tired from the baseball game last night, the noggin seems to be a little short of ideas. So here's a few jokes and toons on the subject of nudity - the barest of necessities.

A Bird In Hand

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up toward him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied. "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain and ended up in hospital. The police asked him what happend.

The guy says, "I dont know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know I'm here"

The police went to the beach found the little girl and asked her "What did you do to that man?"

After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Parents and Son on a Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." Once again the son goes back to play.

A short time later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A Call to Fire Department:

Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

Got Milk?

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"

Shooting From the Hip

A guy starts talking to two blondes in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins, connected at the hip, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone!"

So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee ... do you think he'll remember us?"

But Was It Good?

As a newlywed couple was checking into the hotel for their
honeymoon, another couple at the desk offered to show them around the
town that night. Thanking them for the kind offer, the bridegroom
explained that it was their wedding night and that they'd prefer to
take a rain check.

When the second couple came down to breakfast the next morning
they were astonished to catch sight of the groom in the hotel bar
apparently drowning his sorrows. "Why you should be the happiest
man in the world today," they said coming over to him.

"Yesterday I was," said the man mournfully. "But this morning, without
realizing it, I put three ten dollar bills on the pillow and got up
to get dressed."

"Hey, cheer up, she probably didn't even notice."

"That's the problem," the groom went on. "Without even thinking,
she gave me five dollars change!"



Jack K. said...

Morgue 'toon - ROTFLMAO!!!

The jokes were funny, too.

Get some rest.

Fred said...

The morgue cartoon is priceless. What a way to go.

I'm never going to the beach again.

Hale McKay said...

Thanks Jack,

Would you believe I was surfing sun bathing and that's where i found that "morgue 'toon?"

Hale McKay said...


I hear you. Imagine that brat of a girl messing with bird nests?

Jack K. said...

Sun bathing?

Can that lead to a "stiff" one in the morgue?

Live and learn.