Saturday, May 31, 2008

Dating + Mating = Deflating

The picture at the left is one of Bill Clinton picking up chicks during his college days. Of course, in this particular case he struck out - shot down in flames, so to speak.

It isn't an original concept to take old jokes and to insert the names of celebrities into them. Sometimes, this makes a funny joke even funnier. I needed not to look any farther than the Clintons. Why not? After all, they're fair game. Aren't they?


On their first date Bill took Hillary to see an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.

Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on his lap.

Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"

"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.


Bill took Hillary out to dinner for their second date. Later they went to a show.

The evening was a huge success and as he dropped her at her door he said "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agreed and a date was made.

The next night he knocked on her door and when she opened it she slapped him hard across the face.

He was stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"


After the incident with the roses Hillary was still mad at Bill. He kept calling her on the phone.

Hillary, with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened to your ears?"

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."


Most of Bill Clinton's friends had already gotten married, and he was dating girl after girl, never staying with one for more than a month.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, aren't you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Bill replied. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?"

Many months go by and he and his friend get together at his wedding reception. "So Bill, you finally found the perfect girl! Is she just like your Mother?"

Bill shrugged his shoulders, "Yes, Hillary is just like mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"Then why are so glum?"

"My father can't stand her!"


Bill Clinton and his new bride, Hillary ask the hotel desk clerk for a room.

"Congratulations on your wedding!" the clerk says. "Would you like the bridal, then?"

"Naw, thanks," says Bill. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."


When she was pregnant with her Chelsea, Hillary paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Hillary confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."


Hillary went to lunch with an old friend.

She said to her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

Hillary replied, "A billionaire."


One afternoon George Bush, Al Gore and Bill Clinton were talking in the pub. Bush and Gore are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while Clinton remains surprisingly quiet.

After a while Gore turns to Clinton and says, "Well, what about you, Bill? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

Bubba answered, "I'll tell you. Just the other night Hillary came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."


Because of her campaign schedule Hillary Clinton was having trouble keeping up with her apartment. She decided to hire a maid. She hired a pretty young woman with beautiful blonde hair.

The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, against her better judgment Hillary told Bill about the maid's lack of hair.

He said, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I'll hide in the closet with the two-way mirror so I can have a look."

The next day, Hillary asked the girl and she agreed. The two of them went into the bedroom, and the girl stripped and showed her.

Still naked, then the girl said, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

Hillary is not comfortable with it but agreed. She removed all of her clothes and with both of them standing in front of the mirror she allow the girl a close look.

That night, Hillary said to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Bill replied, "You think you were embarrassed...I had George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Tony Blair in the closet with me."



kenju said...


Liquid said...

You continue to crack me up!

Fred said...

Loved the iron joke. It's one I can actually remember.

Hale McKay said...


Just don't answer the phone while you're pressing your pants.

.........or your ears will look Ed Zachary like hers.

Skunkfeathers said...

The Clintons will be fair game long after they're out of the public spotlight ;)

Hale McKay said...


You are so right. They may be low brow, but they are high profile and will be for years to come.