Dem's Da Rules

KITCHEN SIGNS

..a must have for Mother's Day....

1. Dinner will be ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. If, we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
6. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
7. Help keep the kitchen clean --->>> eat out.
8. Housework done properly can kill you.
9. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
10. My next house will have no kitchen ----just vending machines.
11. Todays menu: Take it or leave it.
12. I don't care what they do in Europe, belching at the table is not a compliment.

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GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

-----------------------------------------------Blog Rule: Post Some Jokes

```Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
```On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
```The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
```Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
```The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
```The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
```The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
```The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
```He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the
box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

--------------------------------------------------------THE RAISE

Maria the maid asked for a raise.
```The wife was very upset about this and asked, "Maria, times are tough. I must make do with what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve a raise?"
```Maria replied, "Well Senora, the first is that I iron better than you."
```"Who said you iron better than me?" the wife asked.
```"Your husband said so."
```"I see," said the wife.
```"The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
```"Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
```"Your husband did."
```"Oh."
```"My third reason is that I'm better in bed than you!"
```"Did my husband say that as well?" demanded the wife.
```"No Senora, the gardener said it."
Maria got the raise.

----------------------------The Rule: Laugh when there's a joke.

No.1345