May the Dorks Be With You

DENVER — Never-before-seen video of “space aliens” convinced Jeff Peckman they exist. He says that alien video will be revealed to the public in a few weeks. (Apparently the Special Effects department is running behind schedule.)

“These happen to be the little gray ones, about four feet tall,” he said. (Whatever happened to the little green ones?)

Peckman, who is proposing the creation of an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission in Denver, believed to be the first of its kind. (I find that rather shocking.)

“You could see them blink as they looked in a window and panned a room,” Peckman, 54, said. (Blink or wink? Maybe they thought you were cute. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, know what I mean-know what I mean?)

“After seeing that, it was very clear that it’s not rumor, it’s not speculation, but these extraterrestrials do exist.” (God didn't make little green aliens ... and it doesn't rain on Andromeda in the summertime.)

He spent several minutes talking about UFOs landing in Los Angeles and how the federal government has tried to conceal their existence. (He was only allowed his obligatory fifteen minutes.)

Peckman completed one of the first steps of the initiative process Thursday by meeting with city officials for a “review and comment” hearing. (Who's going to get the contract for the tie-in products?)

Peckman is sponsoring an initiative that would require the city to create an ET Commission tasked with “dealing with issues related to the presence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth.” (Will the problem of illegal aliens ever be solved?)

Peckman said he wants to get the initiative on the fall ballot. Peckman said he is “absolutely committed.” (He should be - absolutely committed.)

If Peckman has his way, Denver voters will have a chance to say whether they, too, believe that there is intelligent life outside Earth and whether the city should prepare for close encounters of the alien kind. (The real question should be whether or not there is any intelligent life on earth.)

“If it doesn’t get on the ballot in November, we’re OK with that because it would give us a longer period to educate the public about the issues that are part of this reality,” he said. (Not to mention that it would also give the production unit more time to start working on the sequel.)

-Above (except for italicized asides) is from a Scripps Howard wire service release.

-Following (except for italicized asides) is from The Rocky Mountain News.

Peckman, 54, who is single and lives with his parents, has submitted to the city a draft of the proposed ordinance, which would require the creation of an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission. (Perhaps they have been letting him watch too much television.)

"I certainly believe that they visit somewhat frequently," he said. "I don't know that they're walking around the streets - others might disagree with that. But they do seem to have made their presence known all over the world to a lot of people." (All this time I thought they were Jehova's Witnesses.)

Peckman hopes to collect enough signatures - he needs about 4,000 - to get the proposed initiative on the November ballot. (Hmmm, just in time for the book signing?)

"It is important because if you're driving down the highway and you saw a crash of a small spaceship and a car or a bus full of kids, you really wouldn't know what to do," Peckman said Thursday. (Cite the aliens for reckless flying?) (I see cars and buses full of children all the time - and not once have they said to me, "Take me to your leader!")

"Do you wait for the hazardous materials experts to show up because of potential contaminants from another solar system? What do you do? People really don't know." (Every time I've encountered five-alarm chili, not once has a Haz-Mat team shown up.)

Peckman said the proposed initiative is "a shortcut to disclosure of the knowledge of extraterrestrial beings on Earth and interacting with people on Earth." He said he has never seen an space alien, but that he has seen evidence proving that they exist. (I'm sold. Everyone knows that video cannot be faked or altered.)

It's a shame I don't live in Denver and had a chance to sit in on that ET Commission. I have a few questions I'd like to hear Mr. Peckman address.

“When did they take you off your medication?”

"How are we supposed to deal with extraterrestrial aliens when we can't stop earth-bound aliens from crossing the border from Mexico?"

"Will our product manuals now include instructions in Vulcan, Klingon and Andorian too?"

"Since we do not yet have a Federation of Planets, a Star Fleet Command, or Starship captains like James Tiberius Kirk, just how will our society deal with the inevitable inter-extraterrestrial relationships?"

"Why should be forming this commission anyway? Isn't the problem of illegal space aliens already being handled by The Men in Black?"

"Will these aliens also be eligible for existing benefits such as unemployment, welfare and social security without having paid into them?"

"Did I already ask when they took you off your medication?"

"Which made you cry more, when they shot Old Yeller or when Darth Vader died?"

As for me, I believe there is intelligent life out there somewhere. I would find it disturbing to learn that humans are the only intelligent beings in the universe.

I suppose it is possible that beings from space may have visited our planet at one time or another. More than likely if they had been here, they would have sent a message back to the home world: "Cancel the invasion. Peckman is on to us!"

No.1349