OPEN LETTER TO AMERICA
Loyal Americans, you will be celebrating our Nation's birthday next Friday, the 4th of July. Enjoy yourselves and be responsible.
I am proud to announce our country's first celebration of the Fifth of July.
As many of you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.
So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are asked to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Muslims, and to show support for all American women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof you are not a Muslim. President Bush appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this patriotic anti-terrorist activity.
As an act of American patriotism, the bill for this holiday was approved by the members of Congress with only one dissenting vote.
The name of the dissenting Senator will not be publicly revealed, but her husband, the former President of the United States, Bill Clinton, has endorsed this special act of unified patriotism.
Said Clinton, "This is single most important piece of legislation to come out of Washington since the repeal of Prohibition!"
In a show of bravado he added, "If it were up to me, this patriotic act would be extended another day through Sunday. Just think of it, the 4th, 5th and 6th of July - now that's celebrating with a bang!"