Thursday, July 17, 2008

Scrying In the Chapel

Madame Fullovitz has been foretelling the future for a long time. As a child her very first prediction was that she would be foretelling the future for a long time. Yes, she's that good!

She once belonged to the Psychic Friends Network before being fired because her predictions were coming true. Because her prognostications were coming to fruition, people stopped calling in to PFN. If that were to have continued, Dionne Warwick would have been forced to sing sappy Burt Bacharach songs again. (As it was she ended up getting lost on her way to San Jose.)

So I thought it would make for a great post if I could persuade her to make some predictions of the future. Hopefully, if her forecasts come to be, the readers of this blog won't stop coming here. I certainly don't want to end up singing those sappy Burt Bacharach songs.

I called her up on the phone and got this recorded message: "Hello. You've reached the number of Madame Fullovitz. I've been expecting your call. I forsee that you will be dropping by for my next scheduled reading ... and that will be the opening I am scheduling for you on Thursday, July 17 at 7:00 PM."

Amazing, I thought. She even knew when I would be there. Yes, she's that good! When I arrived there at the pre-appointed time she met me at the door and it opened before I had a chance to ring the bell. She greeted me and said, "I've been expecting you, Mr. McKay." What can I say? Like I told you, she's good!

I followed her into her Psychic Chapel. She told me to make myself comfortable in the chair at a small table in the corner of the room. She picked up a crystal ball and she asked me to remain silent saying, "I must first concentrate before I begin scrying."

I pulled out some tissues and offered them to her, "Here, you might need these." That was a mistake.

"What are you doing?" she responded. Then she smiled and said, "I knew that you misunderstood. When a psychic is looking into her crystal ball .. that is called scrying."

She sat down and went to a deep trance while she stared into that crystal ball. Then she spoke with a chant, "I see a new lover coming into your life. You will have a torrid affair!"

I swallowed and thought, 'Whoa! I wasn't expecting that.' Excited I had to ask, "Tell me ... Is it a blonde ... or a redhead ... or a brunette?"

She showed no emotion as she answered, "No. It is nothing like that. Soon you will have an accident and your right hand will be broken."

"Ahem," I cleared my throat. "I don't need to know about my future, Madame. Can you see some things in the future that will be of interest to the readers of my Blog?"

"That may be a tall order ... getting someone to read your blog," she said. Damn, does she have to be that good?

"Very well", she said. "I see ... oh my!" She appeared to be concerned about some terrible vision. "I see Al Gore and he will finally come forth with an admission that he invented ... ethanol."

"I see an elected official breaking promises when he is in office that he made while campaigning. "

"I see Oprah Winfrey actually reading one of the books on her book club list."

"I see Bill Clinton trying to join one of those Polygamist cults in Utah."

"I see a movie that was critically panned at its theatrical release, being critically praised when it is released on DVD."

"Because of a Post Office error, Barack Obama receives mail addressed to Osama bin Laden."

"A contestant on American Idol beats the crap out of Simon after the host calls him talentless."

"O.J. Simpson finally finds the person who killed his wife and her friend. However, Simpson will not reveal the murderer's identity saying the person has suffered enough."

Madame Fullovitz was still rattling off more of these shocking predictions, when I glanced at my watch, noticing the late hour. I excused myself and informed her that I had a deadline.

She looked up and said, "I see the future of your blog."

"Yes?" I said expectantly.

"I have some advice you should heed."

"Yeah? What would that be?" I asked.

"You must memorize the words to Alfie, What the World Needs Now, This Guy's In Love, and Do You Know the Way to San Jose?"

With that I walked out of there. I left her Scrying In the Chapel."



Skunkfeathers said...

When a psychic gives me the winning powerball numbers BEFORE THEY HIT, I'll start to believe that maybe, just maybe, AlGore invented a book Oprah read to Bill Clinton after an outing in Utah...

Hale McKay said...


In other words - when Hell freezes over, eh?