Tuesday, July 29, 2008

That Silver-Haired Grand Paw of Mine

Sometimes I hearken back to a much simpler time;

Time spent with that silver-haired Grand Paw of mine.

He and Grand Maw, they raised nineteen children in all,

And fed them from a garden and ol' Bessie in a barn stall.

He would get up early before his neighbor Farmer Brewster,

And sometimes he would even wake up that lazy old rooster.

Now on a farm there was a lot that needed to be done

And there wasn't a heck of a lot of time for havin' fun.

Well, he had a whole mess of us grandkids to help out,

And he'd put us to work even when we'd whine and pout.

Some of us would gather eggs, others slopped the hogs;

And for the cooking fire, the oldest chopped some logs.

When our chores were finished, then we would go play

Until the sun lay low in the sky at the end of the day.

We'd run and race and do things of which we were fond

Like climbing trees and skinny-dipping in the old pond.

Once while we supped on our biscuits and fried chicken,

Grand Paw stated that we was due for some shit-kickin'.

So he called up our cousins and uncles from miles around

And in that old barn, we'd all gather for a real hoe-down.

We'd hoot and holler under many bright harvest moons

Keepin' time to washboards, banjos and pairs of spoons.

We'd stomp a lot and we'd square dance and we'd laugh,

And keepin' time was the sad low of Bessie's hungry calf.

It would not be long before Grand Paw took center stage,

To perform his special talent, which was quite the rage.

His inhibitions low from drinking six fingers of shine,

He turned his back to the crowd and exposed his behind;

Because he could break wind in such a musical manner

The tune was reminiscent of the Star Spangled Banner.

Uncle John was on the squeeze box and he played along

While the rest of us joined in and began to sing the song.

On the "sphincter-chord" he was truly the best of his time

And I was proud of that silver-haired Grand Paw of mine.

And to this very day I will still break out into laughing fits

When I hear his favorite, "Shave and a haircut - two bits!"

The poetic tribute to my Grandfather above is not quite as far-fetched as it may seem. I doubt that he could have actually "farted" to the tune of The Star Spangled Banner, and if he could have, I never heard it.

I "shit" you not, pardon the pun, but he really was able to "toot" out Shave and a haircut - two bits.

No. 1421


Skunkfeathers said...

Probably the only thing that kept him off a Tonight Show was his method of delivery ;-)

Hale McKay said...


Yeah, they didn't particularly care for his "Moonlight Serenade" either.