Friday, August 15, 2008

Original Drafts of the Classics

Even the authors of the literary classics have had their share of rejection letters. The truly great authors however were persistent and rewrote their masterpieces until the publishers were satisfied.

From a secret vault, somewhere in the back of the twisted mind of this blogger, the very first drafts of some the great classics are revealed to the world for the first time.

Anne's Frank Diary -- In an attic boudoir a young girl discreetly entertains the town's men, bankrolling enough money to move to a luxurious chalet on the French Riviera.

The publishers decide she should be an innocent Jewish girl hiding from the Nazis and a one way trip to a concentration camp.

The Jungle Bookie -- Mowgli's friends were a bunch of animals; murderers, druggies and thieves. He rises to power in the jungle of a big city's back streets and alleys to become the most powerful bookmaker in the land.

Disney advised the author that Mowgli should be an orphaned kid living with wild jungle animals.

Night of the Gecko -- A group of tourists are trapped in a third world hotel and are forced to watch Geico commercials featuring a talking lizard.

King Dong -- A giant well-endowed and horny simian runs amok looking for pretty blondes (he heard they were easy) to "play with." Suspense filled tale of how the heroine finds herself in peril and holding on for dear life. Memorable line: "Was beauty stroked the beast."

The publisher decides there should not be any "monkey slapping" and turns the monster into a hairy eunuch only interested in beating up T-Rexes, climbing high buildings, swatting bi-planes and reenacting a scene from "An Affair to Remember."

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind -- When people begin disappearing in the sewers beneath New York City, a team of scientist suspect it is the work of an intelligent species. When they discover instead intelligent feces, the shit hits the fan.

Rewritten at the behest of the publisher, the aliens look more like disposed rubbers with arms and legs.

The Yellow Snows of Kilimanjaro -- Thinking they are the first to climb the African peak, the climbing expedition learns that they should not of eaten the snow.

Phantom of the Grand Ol' Opry -- Wearing sissy pony-tails, badly copying other peoples songs and possessing an awful voice, Willie Nelson tries to destroy Country & Westerns song palace.

Planet of the Grapes -- Astronauts land on a planet only to discover the humans enslaved by a race wearing the uniforms of the Fruit of the Loom characters.

The Beer Hunter -- A group red neck veterans gather at a bar to swill down some Pabst Blue Ribbons. They hook up with some loose women and play a deadly game of spin the Jameson bottle. Then they are on the run from shotgun weddings.

The Dirty Bakers' Dozen -- A roughneck group of misfit soldiers are sent behind German lines to steal a top-secret streusel recipe.

Johnny Pneumonia -- A cure for the common cold and other lung diseases has been discovered. In order to prevent the pharmaceutical companies from stealing the formula, the data is planted into the brain of a courier. If the cure is developed and put into production the drug companies would go belly-up. The courier must die.

The Princess and the Pee -- An incontinent heir to the throne of a kingdom cannot seem find the right pair of adult leak-proof 'diapers.' Can a handsome prince save her from a life of bed-wetting?

Electra-Lux in Blue -- In this sequel to "Electra Glide in Blue," Robert Blake reprises his role as a now retired motorcycle cop, making a living selling door to door vacuum cleaners.

A Few Other Titles

Saving Ryan's Privates
A Pack of Lips Now
A Tale of Two Titties
The Big Chili
Raiders of the Lost Arch

No.1437

9 comments:

Skunkfeathers said...

I dunno...maybe the publishers should have gone with the original submissions...

Mushy said...

If only they'd make those!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You're just whistling Dixie. Or, maybe, "How 'bout dem Red Hose?"

Hale McKay said...

Skunk,

I think I would have been more inclined to read those "must read" selections my school teachers assigned way back when.

Hale McKay said...

Mushy,

They'd make better movies.

Hale McKay said...

Hoss,

As in the Red Hose of Texas?

Duke_of_Earle said...

"...they should not of eaten the snow," you say?

Not to be TOO much of a purist, but don't you mean "should not have eaten?"

(Sorry. I WAS an English major though.)

Hale McKay said...

John,

(Blush) I caught that right after I published.

Then I thought - it could viewed as southern or redneck speak. (Not've - rhyming with Not of?)

Or - I wrote it low brow so rednecks could understand it.

Duke_of_Earle said...

Hale,

Yeah, I knew it was like "not've" sounds. Just picking nits.

John