"China is getting ready for the Olympics. The official motto for the Olympics is 'One World, One Dream.' Restrictions Apply. Tibet Not Included." --Jay Leno
"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene." --David Letterman
"Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks." --Jay Leno
"Now you think I'm exaggerating, but they had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics and a javelin thrower threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck." --David Letterman
"The government of China announced that it will ban restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. Which gives new meaning to the phrase, 'Hello Kitty.'" --Conan O'Brien
“AL, THAT MOVE’S NEVER EVEN BEEN TRIED BEFORE — A TRIPLE REVERSE, FOLLOWED BY A DOUBLE TWIST FLIP-FLOP, TOPPED OFF WITH A STRADDLE-BACK AND A HEAD-TUCK UP HIS ASS.”
"While jumping in front of every one with a camera in an attempt to get a photo-op, Rosie was approached by a member of the Chinese Equestrienne Team. She bucked and kicked like a bronco when he tried to put a saddle on her back.
Later in response to a reporter: 'Why did he do that? Do I look like a horse?' she whinnied." ---Hale McKay
The Olympic Diving Champion
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool!
She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River."
Tryouts for the U.S. Olympic women's marathon swim team were to be held. The first was in California; a swim from from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke. Three women signed up for the tryouts - a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
The race started, and after approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the winner. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled ashore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete this regulation breaststroke race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."