A Valentine Outlaw

On Saturday, February the 14th, law enforcement officials around the world will be holding a global dragnet for a notorious criminal. He is wanted for vicious attacks against innocent single men and women alike. It has been rumored that he is currently on the payroll of the online matching/dating service, "eHarmony.com."

This dastardly individual was once known as the henchman for Madam Ruth, you know ... that gypsy with the gold-capped tooth who was busted for selling bottles of water containing turpentine and India ink which she called Love Potion № 9. One pour soul who fell for her scam was arrested within minutes of drinking the stuff for kissing a cop down on 34th & Vine.

The felon who goes by the name of Dan Cupid and calls himself the "God of Love," has managed to elude capture and arrest for a long time. Police are asking the public to be on the lookout for the fugitive.

Interpol released the following description:

He is described as small in stature and will be in the nude. For his size he is anatomically correct, but he is hung like a field mouse. He will be armed with a bow and a quiver of small arrows, with which he is extremely adept in using.

The tips of the arrows he fires at unsuspecting single individuals has been reported to have been dipped in a derivative of the aforementioned "Love Potion № 9."

Interpol and other law enforcement agencies have deliberately omitted one significant detail of the description of this character. According to many witnesses who have been shot by him, Cupid flies on feathered wings with a wingspan longer than his body.

A spokesperson for Scotland Yard said, "This individual is cherubic in appearance and as such people mistake him for an angel. Because of this, those who spot him believe they are witnessing a transfiguration or a sign from God. Once such a sighting has been reported, there is a spate of people having religious sightings. The Virgin Mary suddenly appears on anything from a liverwurst sandwich to the markings on a pet. No one is going to turn in an angel!"

It has been determined that many factors play into the effectiveness of Cupid's arrows. It is speculated that anything from weather conditions to the phases of the moon cause the arrows to react with varying results. There are cases wherein his victims remain together and live happily forever. However, not all of his strikes result in long term relationships.

Take for example the case of one well known couple, Tom and Rosanne. Their relationship was rocky from the start. Then one morning, the "love toxin" in his body wore off. Imagine the poor guy's terror to wake up and find himself in bed with her.

Following are artist renderings of some of Cupid's notorious antics:

Cupid Has His Good Days...

...And His Bad Days

No Way To Treat A Valentine
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"I think my wife is selling drugs," a man remarked to his friend. "Yesterday I was running a little late for work when the phone rang. I answered it, but before I could say anything a male voice on the line said," Hey, honey, is that dope gone yet?"
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A man approached a woman at a bar and asked, "How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?"

"About four or five," she replied, "and don't call me dizzy."

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An old man looking for oral sex approached his wife with a horny invitation, "How would you like to put your teeth around my manhood tonight?"

His wife nodded willingly, removed her dentures and said, "Do whatever you want with them; just don't wake me."

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