Grandpa is notified that he will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. On the specified date he is summoned into the offices of the IRS.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I am not sure the IRS finds that believable."
Grandpa says, "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it. How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa declared, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet!"
Grandpa proceeds to remove his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Then Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand that I can bite my other eye."
It is obvious to the auditor that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa promptly removes his dentures and uses it to bite his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three thousand dollars to Grandpa - and with his attorney present. He starts to get nervous.
Grandpa says, "Want to go double or nothing? I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and piss into that wastebasket on the other side of your desk, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is very cautious now. he looked carefully and decides there is no way this guy could possibly manage the stunt of pissing over the desk and into the wastebasket, not to mention not getting a drop on his desk and the paperwork there. So the auditor finally agrees.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants; but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream of urine reach the wastebasket on the other side of the desk. So he pretty much pisses all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he just turned a major loss into a win!
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" asks the auditor.
"Not really," answers the attorney. "This morning when Grandpa told me he's been summoned for an audit, he bet me ten thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
The moral - - - Don't mess with senior citizens.
At Saint Rocco's Church they have a weekly "Husband's Marriage Seminar."
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is that I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her!"
A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, the man looks at his wife and asks, "What would you like to do for our anniversary?"
She then replies, "We could run upstairs and make love."
He says "Make up your mind, we can’t do both."
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
"Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh... Immediately she had the vacation tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh... immediately he turned ninety!