Graphic courtesy of Jeff Bucchino,
The Wizard of Draws
Golfer - n., - a person who yells "fore," takes six and puts down five.
It's Called Golf...
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly ... or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice ... once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
Jesus, St. Peter, St. Matthew & St. Luke went out one day for a round of golf.
They began play, and everything was fine util they reached the par 3 5th hole. This particular hole had a large water hazard in front of it, and since he had the honor,St. Peter teed off first. He took out his trusty 5 iron, and laid the ball on the green,no problem.
St. luke went next, and he used his 7 iron. St. Matthew followed, using a 5 iron. Both were on the green in one and ready to go. Jesus teed up, but he took out his 9 iron saying, "I saw Arnold Palmer make this shot with his 9 iron once!"
Well, he hit the ball just fine, but short. Into the water it went. "No problem", says Jesus, and he tees up again. Same shot, same result. After 2 or 3 more attempts, St. Peter says "Why don't you just use your 5 iron and get it over with?"
Jesus again replies "I saw Arnold Palmer make this shot with his 9 iron once!"
Well, this continued over and over until Jesus was out of balls. Disgusted by now, Jesus walks out on the water and reaches in and retrieves his errant shots. About this time the foursome following our group has caught up. Looking out at Jesus on the water, one of them asks: "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
To which St. Peter replies...."Nah, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.
Some new lingo to use when you're out on the course...
A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed
An 'OJ.'- got away with one
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees
A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole
-(Lifted from Phils Phun)
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’
‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.
‘Where?’, he asked.
‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, ‘Then your stance is too wide.’
-(Lifted from Phils Phun)
"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?" the confused man uttered.
"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."
"Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.
When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, 'Looks like your hole, dear.'
That was the last thing I remember."
Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the garbage cans. A car door slams, some cussing, then the garage door opens, and slams shut. Suddenly more crashing, clattering and cussing. Finally John comes into the house with his golf clubs, almost continuously scowling and cussing.
"What's the matter, dear? Did you have as bad day on the golf course?" asked Mary.
"A rotten day! A ROTTEN DAY! I'll say I did. What a miserable round of golf! It was the worst ever! In fact, I only hit two good balls all day! And the worst of that is, I wouldn't have hit them either...if I hadn't stepped on that rake in the garage!"