Wednesday, April 08, 2009

A Redneck, No Doubt

There's No Doubt You're A Redneck Iffin ...

...You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.

...Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

...The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."

...You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

...Your best shoes have numbers on the heels.

...Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

...Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

...You trim your beard and find a french fry.

...You see a sign that says "Just Say No To Crack!" and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.

...You've ever used pantyhose as a coffee filter.

...You've ever asked a widow for her telephone number at the funeral home.

...You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at your reception.

...You've ever backed down an exit ramp.

...You come back from the dump with more than you took.

...You consider a six pack of Pabst and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.

...Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

...You've ever "hit on" somebody in a V.D. clinic.

...You think "the dishwasher is broke" means your wife has no money.

...Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

...You've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

...You've ever had sex in a satellite dish.

...Somebody hollers "Hoe Down!" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

...You've ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins.

...You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.

...All your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.

...Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.

...Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

You know at least twenty people including yourself who are related to that feller playing the banjo in "Deliverance."

...Your mother-in-law does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Policeman to kiss her ass.

...Your family tree does not fork.

...Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

(The above script and images are from the 1995 Longstreet Press, Inc. publication "Redneck Classic...the Best of Jeff Foxworthy.")



Jack K. said...

Ya jes gotta luv ol' Jeff.

I have a couple of his albums. A number of years ago, while on a trip, Maryann was driving through some town and one of his CD's was playing. She made me turn it off because it was interfering with her concentration. You ever try to drive and laugh at the same time?

He's that good. Now, bring me a beer and show me sometin' nekkid. snerx.

Skunkfeathers said...

Yawp...y'all shore 'nuff nailed that possum ;)

Hale McKay said...

A couple of years ago my daughter bought me a DVD of the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour," with Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, Ron White and another whose name escapes me now.

It was one of the funniest two hours I've ever spent sitting in front of the idiot box.

Good advice there: I better not buy any of their CDs to play in truck.

Hale McKay said...


Funny you mentioned a 'possum. One of the images in the book shows a guy holding up a road killed opossum. The guy was bringing it to a family Thanksgiving like the Indians and Pilgrims did way back when.

Christina said...'ve simultaneously worn fishnet stockings and a maternity bra.

I love these!

Hale McKay said...


Fishnet stockings and maternity bra? - whoa - sexy!

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