One day, a well-to-do Englishman found himself walking in a neighborhood a class or two below his own. It happened to be a windy day and as he passed a young woman the wind caught her skirt and lifted it above her head.
"Oh, airy, isn't it?" said the man.
The young woman replied, "Yeah, what did you expect? Feathers?"
A certain doctor specialized in sex therapy. He had a reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life. His fees were high, but he always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
Mr. and Mrs. Adams went to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams and various other tests. He said to them, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the supermarket and buy some grapes and some donuts. When you get home, I want you both to remove your clothing and to sit naked facing each other on your bedroom floor.
You sir, roll the grapes across the floor until make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on your hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
Then next ma'am, you must take the donuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and without using your hands eat the donut."
The couple went home and did as the doctor had instructed. Their sex life increased and improved out of sight. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Rainard, that they should make an appointment to go see the good doctor.
On the day of their appointment the doctor greeted the Rainards. He warned them that he would not take the case unless he felt he could help them. So he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests he given to the Adams couple.
When he got the results, he had no recourse but to tell the Rainards the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I'm sorry."
The Rainards pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends, now please, please help us."
"Well okay," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the supermarket and buy some apples and a box of Froot Loops."
One night a bartender notices this hideous guy at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. He is amazed to see the guy kissing them and groping them to the delight of the women.
When the women went to powder their noses the bar tender approaches the man and says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help but notice you have several beautiful women hanging all over you. Forgive my honesty, but you're not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly!
Now normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you are dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that attracts all these babes?"
The man paused for a moment, licked his eyebrows and said, "I haven't the faintest idea."
A little girl runs out to the garage where her father is working on his car.
She asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
So her father sits her down and begins to tell her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, intercourse, and sperm and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams. He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works. He describes masturbation, anal and oral sex, group sex, bondage and discipline, homosexuality, sex toys ... you name it.
Of course the little girl is awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Finally, the father sks her, "So, why did you want to know about sex?"
The girl answered, "Oh, Mommy said lunch would be ready in a few secs ..."
A new travel agency in town was running a competition to draw in more customers. The prize for the one hundredth customer to walk in the store was a round trip for two to Hawaii.
The travel agent, knowing they had been sitting on 99 visitors for a couple of days, noticed an old man and an old woman peering wistfully through the travel agency window at a poster of Hawaii on the wall.
Knowing that if they walked in they would be the winners, he beckoned them in. They came in but with reluctance as they were pensioners and had no money for a vacation.
"Yes?" said the elderly lady.
A big grin burst out on the agent's face as he said, "Congratulations! You have just won an all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii!"
Well, you should have seen the look of amazement on their faces. He presented them with the tickets and they left, practically walking on air.
A couple of months later he saw the little old lady as he was on his way home after work. "How was Hawaii?" he asked her.
"Oh, it was lovely. The weather was beautiful, the food sumptuous and the beach was just perfect. But tell me, who was that old codger I had to share a room with?"
His truck had broken down in the country and there was no alternative for the trucker but to walk the ten miles to the nearest farmhouse.
He explained his predicament to the farmer and asked if he could spend the night.
"Sure," said the farmer, "but I must warn you that i don't have any daughters. I don't even have a spare room, so you'll have to share my bed."
"Damn," said the trucker. "I'm in the wrong joke."
№ 1659
4 comments:
Don't you just hate when that happens; wind up in the wrong joke?
Skunk,
Yup. It sucks being put in the wrong joke.
I stole the Hawaii vacation one. It will post tomorrow. I gave you credit of course.
I'm going to catch up on your awesome story now.
Have a terrific day. :)
Sandee,
As always jokes are for stealing.
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