Everyone is familiar with the Pulitzer Prizes for Writing, Journalism, etc., but not many people have even heard of the Bullitzer Prizes. Well, you are about to be educated.
My sometime contributor to this site, John Bell, is going to entertain you with another brilliant offering. The following are three notable winners of the 2009 Bullitzer Prizes.
I think you'll agree that these winners deserve a standing ovation.
Madoff Caught Doing Ponzi in Prison
NEW YORK, NY – Warden Samuel Norton of the Metropolitan Correctional Center in Lower Manhattan has confirmed that Bernard Madoff has been placed in solitary confinement. According to the warden, “Mr.Madoff was caught in a position, which can only be described as two males sharing a proclivity for Greek love.” The other prisoner involved was Ricardo Espinoza Ponzi, doing time for the identity theft of Lil’ Kim.
Prison guard, Hans Schultz, witness to the incident, said, “Mr.Madoff had his fuchsia colored spandex, down around his Kung Fu Panda slippers, while, Mr. Ponzi was wearing nothing but a pair of Crocs and a teal Bow Chicka Bow Wow tank top with ‘SpongeBernie SquarePants’on the front.” When asked what was going on, Mr. Madoff responded, “just practicing Tai Chi, Schultz.” “They thought ‘I see nothing’ but I noticed they weren’t wearing lace-up shoes, necessary for Tai Chi, so I informed the warden,” said Schultz.
Mr.Ponzi, said he first met Mr.Madoff in the commissary, while, they were eating Raman noodles. “Bernie kept saying to me, ‘I’m in here for Ponzi’, and promised to double my bling for everyone I brought to him, I’m just a kid from da Bronx, what do I know?”.
According to Warden Norton, Mr.Madoff’s conjugal visits with Tickle Me Elmo will be suspended for three months, while, Mr.Ponzi will be restricted to Lawrence Welk and Polka music on his iPod.
Both are expected to file separate appeals.
Madonna Sues over Landing Strip
LOS ANGELES, CA – Madonna is suing the Vajayjay Bikini Waxing Salon claiming that her botched Brazilian waxing has caused so much pain and suffering, she may have to go back to A-Roid.
According to the complaint, Madonna requested a Brazilian waxing with the landing strip the size and color of the Tetro Sphinx caterpillar found in Brazil. The waxing was specific, because “it was to be a surprise” for 22 year old homesick Brazilian boy toy, Jesus Pinto da Luz. The complaint says, what she got, was a Joseph Stalin landing strip. “When I saw that bushy gray landing strip, I knew the pain and suffering for Jesus, not to mention the humiliation to me, could very well cause our breakup,” said the tearful 50 year old Material Girl.
Barbara Billingsley, owner of Vajayjay Bikini Waxing Salon, disputes the claim, “One woman’s moustache is another man’s landing strip. We have never had any complaints about our waxing, whether, it is our Meryl Streep, ‘Out of Africa’, our Paris Hilton, ‘Field of Dreams’, or even the George Michael ‘Ratatouille’, which incidentally, comes with a CD Wham! Box set.”
When asked to comment, Guy Ritchie the former husband of Madonna remarked, “I always fot Madge’s bojingo looked like something from ZZ Top, but to be honest, it’s been a number of years since I’ve actually seen it, I mean that’s one of the reasons we divorced, innit?”
Judge Theodore Cleaver has asked for photos of Joseph Stalin, ZZ Top band members, the Tetro Sphinx caterpillar and Madonna’s mons veneris.
Sperm Bank Seeks Government Handout
WALLA WALLA, WA – Wankers Trust, the nation’s largest sperm bank, is looking to the Federal Government’s Troubled Masturbation Relief Program (TMRP) to see it through an unprecedented crisis.
Chairman of the bank, Hans Job, said, “Due to the publicity given the California woman who gave birth to octuplets, there has been a run on our sperm reserves. We normally, have deposits of twenty one quarts for every eight quarts going out.”
“With Saudi Arabia cutting back on production and China engaged in their own domestic stimulate program our sperm reserves are at a dangerously low, one month of reserves.”
President Obama urged, “All male members of Congress, the Treasury and the Federal Reserve in a bipartisan way, to give a hand so that we can replenish our dwindling reserves.”
Wankers Trust, director Monica Lewinsky, said, “I will gladly lend a hand to any member of the board willing to stand up and be counted on to keep the bank liquid.”
(I added the above cartoon because of the obvious tie-in to the article.)