-1.- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
-2. Job interfering with your drinking.
-3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
-4. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
-5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
-6. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the long-lost 5th food group.
-7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??
-8. You can focus better with one eye closed.
-9. The parking lot mysteriously moved while you were in the bar.
10. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
11. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
13. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
14. You wake up in the bedroom, your clothes are in the bathroom and your underwear is in the car.
15. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
16. Roseanne looks good.
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."
After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."
Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there."
They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"
Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"
So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. A dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini. Thirty seconds later a lady walks in and ordered a triple martini.
The bartender says, "Wow! Two back-to-back triple martini's!! Are you celebrating anything??"
She says, "Yes, for ten years, I've been trying to get pregnant and this morning I left the doctors office and he said I was pregnant!"
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Are you celebrating anything?"
And the guy says, "Yes. I breed peacocks. And for ten years, I've been trying to breed a peacock with blue eyes. I walked out from the birdhouse this morning and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!!"
The bartender says, "Congratulations!! How'd ja do it??"
He said, "I changed cocks."
She said, "That's how I got pregnant!"
A mangy-looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And he's playing really well, too.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money, another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He is a fine singer, with a marvelous voice and great pitch. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"