Special Scheme for Employees....
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of Economy since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme To put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement.This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Stella was dismayed the job opening was for someone good with figures ....
She got the job anyway.
The economy is so bad that African television stations are showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
... I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
... Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.
... Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
... Dr. Seuss rose from the grave to write a new book: Green Eggs and Spam.
The economy is so bad that I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, "What a coincidence! That's just what we were going to ask you!"
... Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!"
... my ATM gave me an IOU!
... that the highest-paying job in town is jury duty.
... I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.
The economy is so bad that even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.
... I saw a polygamist with only one wife.
... that I saw someone using the sun to get a tan!
... I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
... Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries
... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
... Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.
... the Lone Ranger sold his silver bullets on Ebay.
... McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.
The economy is so bad, mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"
... I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
... hobos in Beverly Hills now have to drink tap water.
... they built an Indian reservation on a casino.
... that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.
The economy is so bad, that a prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
... Sarah Palin is only shooting moose for food.
... Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
... Michael Phelps has to share a bong.
... they renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."
It's so bad, a stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
... when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now share a room.
... her audience is now giving Oprah gifts.
... that Roy's tigers are now eating him out of necessity.
... that prostitutes are now accepting Food Stamps.
The economy is so bad, Malia and Sasha Obama started a lemonade stand to raise money for bailouts.
... instead of a coin toss at the Super Bowl, they do "Rock, Paper, Scissors."
... Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is managed by Somali pirates.