Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Buy Me Some Peanuts and Cracker Jacks

The Winning Run

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Baseball In Heaven

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Big Game: Hell vs Heaven

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

...And the Crowd Cheered

President Obama and the First Lady finally got a chance to attend their first Washington Nationals baseball game.

When it was announced over the P.A. system that they were in attendance at the game that day, the President and First Lady sat still and did not wave or acknowledge the crowd. They were immediately greeted by the fans with a loud chorus of boos and jeers.

The President turned to the Secret Service man seated behind him and said, "I thought you said coming to the baseball game would improve my popularity."

The Secret Service man leaned forward and said, "There is something that you can do to turn those boos into cheers." He then leaned closer and whispered something into the President's ear.

Obama responded, "You really think that will work?"

The agent replied, "The crowd will go wild!"

The President stood up and waved to the crowd. He grabbed Michelle by the blouse collar and the waistband of her pants and in one motion threw the First Lady from the stands out onto the field. She landed face first onto the on-deck circle and lie in a heap.

There was a tremendous roar of approving cheers from the crowd.

Obama said to the Secret Serviceman, "You were right. Just listen to them. They love me!"

The man shook his head and said, "Mr. President, I said you should throw out the first pitch !"

Playing Like James Bond

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"He batted .007," his wife added.

A Yankee Star at the Beach

New York Yankees slugger, Alex Rodriguez, fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.

Madonna was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.

He woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot was itching like hell, and had a had a huge sore on it.

He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe.

"Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."

The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's vagina."

OJ and Baseball

Q: Why was it that O.J. Simpson never played professional baseball?
A: Because he couldn't find a glove that would fit.

Keep It Under Your Hat

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when they noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female passed out drunk.

Out of respect, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.

Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The Police were called and when the Officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Red Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The Officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Yankees fan was getting upset and finally asked, "what are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said The Officer, "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees cap, I find an asshole."

The Sheik and Baseball

A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankees fan were in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army.

While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze. All of a sudden Saudi Police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death!

With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that since he was a fan of American baseball, that they would be released after receiving just 20 lashes of a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "It's my 1st wife's birthday today, and she too enjoys American baseball, so she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping".

The Cubs fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying in pain.

The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire 5th by himself), and after watching the scene with the Cubs fan, said "Ok please affix 2 pillows to my back."

But even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through, sending the Yankees fan off crying like a baby.

The Red Sox fan was the last up ( He had finished off the case), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "You support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world. For this you may have 2 wishes."

"Thanks, your most Royal Highness," the Red Sox fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes".

"Not only are you an honorable man, you are also very brave," said The Sheik. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?"

The Red Sox fan replied... "Tie the Yankees fan to my back."



Jack K. said...

You are incorrigible. snerx.


Hale McKay said...


Thanks. I think?

Christina said...


Skunkfeathers said...

Yep...I played the game just like little Billy in Story #1 LOL...

Hale McKay said...


:o} Thanks.

Hale McKay said...


Yep. It seems a lot of us were not destined to be professional players.