Thursday, July 02, 2009

On the Job Straining

Kemo Sabe

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee.

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee.

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

"Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit and disappear for rest of the day".

Corporate Recreation

After a two-year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated individuals is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become...

Tardy Steno

The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The Boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

Four Men and Their Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the forth was a Union Member.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide rule, do your stuff". Slide rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Union Member and said, "What can your dog do"?

The Union Member called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, f**ked the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

An Elmo Story

A woman looking desperately for work goes to the toy plant where they make Elmo dolls. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and tells her that he regrets that he has nothing worthy of her background that he might offer her.

The woman replies that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The Personnel Manager thinks about it and then says that he does have one job that requires very low level skills -- on the Tickle Me Elmo production line.

The woman is thrilled at the opportunity and happily accepts the job. Then the manager takes her down to the assembly line and explains her duties to her. She replies that she thinks can handle the job, and agrees to report for work at 8:00 a.m. next morning.

The next day at 8:45, there's a knock on the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After the line manager screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggests that the line man show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come, as far as the eye can see. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of material used for Elmo's furry exterior and she has a big bag of marbles at her side.

Both managers watch as she cuts out a small swatch of the material, takes two marbles and begins sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing, and finally, after about 20 minutes of rolling around in hysterics, he pulls himself together and walks over to his newest employee.

"I'm sorry," he says to her. "I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two test tickles."



Jack K. said...

You've done it again.


My lawyer, indeed.

Christina said...

test tickles....hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Hale McKay said...


Thanks. I don't make them up, but i just copy them.

Hale McKay said...


Hey - Elmo loved it!