E = MC ²

Cletis Clyde on Quantum Physics
I wuz jest a-watchin' one of dem educatory shows what s'posed to be fer learnin' folks 'bout thangs what theys don't know a lick 'bout. I figgered it cain't hurt none too much to be a-learnin' new stuff.

Aw shucks, wait a sec! Before the man upstairs be a-fixin' to throw lightnin' down at ol' Cletis, I reckon I might as well fess up and be tru'ful and all. Fact is I was a-flippin' through them channels lookin' fer the Hooters Beauty Contest what I heared 'bout from my cuzzin Clem. Dang iffin I could find it, but I kept on a-lookin' fer a spell.

That wuz when I landed on the Learnin' Sta'shun what I wuz jest a-watchin'. There on the pitcher tube I saw big letters what said Supernovas. Hot dawg, I hollered when I seen it. Well sir, I done got so excited I darned near pissed my drawers!

Y'all prolly cain't figger what I got so excited 'bout. Well, it jest so happens I knows all 'bout Supernovas! Next thing, y'all be askin' hows I knows so much 'bout Supernovas, ain't that right? Well, it's like this - I done seen me lots of them up close and personal like.

The best one I ever seen wuz cherry red. It wuz a 1968 Chevy Nova Super Sport. The feller what owned it took out the 396 enjun what come standard with it and dropped in a 427 cubic inch enjun. Well, bust my britches, but with a M20 4-speed stick on the floor, that car could turn 425 horses whilst a-burnin' rubber prac'ly a-standin' still.

So anyways, I went and fetched me a cold 16-ounce can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and settled my self in my recliner snug as a bug in rug so could I see what theys wuz gonna say about Supernovas.

Gawd a'mighty, y'all ain't gonna believe what they wuz a-talkin' 'bout instead. They was a-talkin' about Comets! It wuz s'posed to be a show 'bout Supernovas and they wuz gonna talk 'bout Comets? Well, anybody what knows a lick about cars, knows that them Comets was pieces of crap!

Y'all ain't gonna believe what they wuz a showin' next. God as my judge, theys wuz showin' stuff 'bout stars and such! No, not stars like Molly Ringworm and Tiny Tim! They wuz a showin' stars and meters, y'all knows, the stuff what's up there in space.

I wuz gittin' skepacle thinkin' they wuz gonna try to say that theys done went and launched a Chevy Nova Super Sport out yonder in space. They must think people a watchin' are indignorant or somethin'. Ain't no ways theys gonna launch a car up there. And what fer? So's them asternuts can drive em to that space station? Like that space station is a fillin' station fer gasoline! Ha!

I decided to keep on a-watchin fer a bit. Aw hells bells, truth is I couldn't figger out where I laid down the durn clickin' remote. Anyways, it didn't look like theys wuz gonna talk 'bout Supernovas a-tall, coz they kept on ramblin' on 'bout stuff up yonder in outer space like stars and meters.

They did talk a bit 'bout somethin' that s'prised me to no end. I had to sit up and pay 'tenshun when they started on 'bout black holes. I wuz a thinkin' that a lot a people would be a-callin' in complainin' madder than hell. That sta'shun what I wuz a-watchin' wuz s'posed to be fer family viewin'. Well, I reckon they must a-figgered that out, coz theys made no more mention 'bout the world's oldest way fer women to be makin' money. Good thing too, coz that is adultery stuff and not intended fer the youngens.

Next thing I knows, they wuz a spoutin' off 'bout time travel and iffin it wuz possible iffin one wuz to travel faster than the speed of light. Hells bells! What in tarnation is wrong with the people what put that show on? Anybody wiffin half a brain knows you cain't outrun light!

You don't believe me? Well, iffin you get yer head outta yer butt and pay ten-shun to me, I will proof it so's you can be a-learnin' a bit 'bout quantum fizzics. Jest you try this spearmint at home. First you put yer finger on a light switch on the wall in yer bedroom. You followin' me so far? Then you flip the switch to the off position and try to run like hell and jump into bed before the light goes out! It cain't be done!

Anyways, as I wuz a sayin', they wuz a speck'alatin' that iffin somebody wuz to travel faster than light that theys could travel back in time. Hogwash, right? Then they says that anybody what went back in time would be in danger of causin' paradoxes. I cain't figger why theys worried 'bout two of them. It seems to me one could cause only one dox.

Again I digest. The next thing I knows, they wuz a talkin' bout what would happen if you went back in time and shot and killed yer grandpa before he got a chance to knock up yer grandma. If that wuz to happen, then yer mudder or yer fodder dependin' on which side of the family yer talkin' would'nt be born. Now iffin they wuzn't born, then they couldn't have kids and that would mean you wouldn't be born neither.

I scratched my crotch and then I scratched my head givin' all that kind of thinkin' some time to sink in. Well, I snapped my fingers coz I had a tiffany. Tarnation, it ain't possible. The way I figgers it, iffin I wuzn't born back then, I wouldn't be here now so's I could go back in the first place to prevent me from bein' here now. Of course, iffin I accomplished all that, how in the hell would I get back?

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I have proof what hogwash all that kind of talk is. You see my grandma wuzn't knocked up by my grandpa, coz she was a cheatin' on him wiffin a Fuller Brush salesman what nobody knows the name of.

It's like this, folks, iffin I went back and shot my grandpa there's nothing that would happen with those doxes theys worried 'bout. Grandma would have a baby what grandpa wuz a thinkin' wuz his even if I wuz to shoot him dead.

Y'all need more proof that none of that would mess wiffin the space-time condominium? Now don't go tellin' my mudder that I spilled this, but my fodder ain't the man what got my mudder pregnant wiffin me!

So take it from me, all that science stuff they wuz a-talkin' on 'bout like E=MC² and Supernovas ain't nothin' but a whole lotta crap! Watch South Park and the Simpsons. At least that's stuff I knows ain't made up.

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