Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Letting the Joke Out of the Poke

Advice For a Pilot

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby ... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

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Show me Your License!

A guy orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits a blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens.

So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.

She immediately decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, "Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?"

"Duh," says the blond, "He has a licker license."

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The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her literary class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote, "Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"

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Attention Getter

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. ""Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to talk to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," said the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth, allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say?

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."

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New Math

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

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Disgrace Is A Matter of Perspective

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

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Getting Older

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

1775

10 comments:

Sandee said...

I stole the license one. Bwahahahahahaha. I gave you credit as always.

Have a terrific day. :)

Mike Golch said...

good posting.I'd swipe some of these and I would give you credit for them and with my luck I'd still catch some flack.

Mike Golch said...

I said I would not post jokes,i said I would not post jokes....The Hell i won't! With a tip of the Hat to john Wayne.

Nankin said...

Love the disgraced family joke.

Hale McKay said...

Sandee,

Bloggers have the "license" to steal - don't we?

Hale McKay said...

Mike,

Aw , steal away.

Hale McKay said...

Mike,

LOL! I knew you had in you!

Hale McKay said...

Nankin,

Yeah - turnabout is fair play.

WackyMummy said...

Har har. Good ones. =)

I really really hope that picture of big boob woman is photoshopped, cuz that looks mighty uncomfortable! Painful, even.

Hale McKay said...

WackyMummy,

I'm sure it is photo-shopped. Like you, for the sake of the girl, I hope it is.

Hmmm, if she were to fall on her face, I wonder how long she would bounce.......