Sermons On Mount (ing)

Persimmons
A small church down in Texas had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. As a result she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They decided that something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached the organist very discreetly and told her to mash up some green, unripe persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts. The breasts would then shrink temporarily in size, the ladies told her, but they warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk proper for a while'.

The organist agreed to try it, so on Saturday evening she rubbed her ample breasts with mashed persimmons.

On Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...
“Due to thircumsthanthes bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.”

-Stolen from Peter.

It's My Job
A famous cardiologist died, and everyone was gathered at his funeral. His coffin was displayed in front of a huge model heart.

When the minister finished his sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment, one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"

The mourner said, "Well, I was just thinking about my own funeral."

The man asked, "Well, what's so funny about that?"

And the mourner said, "I'm a gynecologist."

Resurrection
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

Row, Row Your Boat
The Rotary Club asked a minister to come and talk to them about sex. The minister had never talked about sex before an audience and he was embarrassed, so he told his wife he was going to talk about boating.

A couple days later, a Rotarian bumped into the minister's wife and he said, "Your husband gave a wonderful talk at the Rotary Club."

She said, "You know, I'm really surprised. He's only done it twice. The first time, he got seasick. The second time, his hat blew off."

No Room at the Inn
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Economy & the Church
A minister was asked by a politician,"Name something the government can do to help the church."

The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."

Tooting His Horn
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:

"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwin came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."

"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."

No Shirt, No Service
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.

The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.

№ 1830