Monday, March 08, 2010

If Animals Ruled the World

What if animals were the dominant life forms on this, the third rock from the sun? What if their intelligence rivaled that which humans have achieved?

If animals had human traits, their habitats would probably be divided into unique sectors. Each species would live in their respective regions, cities, or even states or countries.

Of course the carnivores, or cannibals as they would be called, would not be residing near the grazers. These grazers would not like being referred to with racial slurs such as 'prey.'

Survival tactics and beliefs aside, perhaps it would be interesting to visit one of these sectors to see how the civilized animals would live if it were they who ruled the world.

The Bovine Sector

Three young bulls, tired of their sedentary lives on the cattle ranch, decided to take a road trip one day to experience life in the big city. So Elmer, Peter and Bob hopped onto a bus for the long ride into the capital city of Cattlina.

As they disembarked from the bus the driver shouted to them:

"Hey! Which one of you left the pile in the aisle of my bus? Who do think has to clean up that mess? Were you raised in a barn? Damn it, you should have gone before you left home!"

The trio was confused and didn't know why the bus driver was carrying on so. They looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and assumed it was just the reaction of an elder not understanding the youth of the day.

Said Bob pointing at a theater marquis:

"Look! A moo-vie house! I wonder what's playing? Let's see ... Moo-nlight Serenade. Aw, too bad there isn't a Clark Ga-bull film showing."

Peter smacked him on the head and retorted:

"We've got Ca-bull, Bob. Those Moo-vies are on TV all the time!"

Elmer shook his head and shouted at his two friends:

"Guys! Guys! We came to the city for something different ... for some fun and excitement. Look! Across the street!"

They looked in the direction of his pointing hoof at the facade of a building bearing the sign: Nightclub ~ Moo-sic & Dancing .

Dismayed that there was a cover charge, they paid for their ducats and entered through the double doors. Elmer pointed to a table.

Elmer:"Whoa! Check out that Jersey over at the cowlick! Take a gander at the udders on her!"

Peter: "Slow down, big boy. She's out of your league."

Elmer: "You forget that I'm the stud bull!"

Bob: That's bull shit ... uh ... pardon the pun."

Elmer: "Bull shit? Do we need to compare? Neither of you have the equipment I have."

Peter: "Yeah, yeah ... we know why you were chosen to service the ladies back at the farm. Try to keep it sheathed, eh."

Bob: "That's right. We're not back at the farm, we're in the city now."

Peter: "He's right, Elmer. These city gals have class. They're not pasture kine."

Elmer: "Aw, come on, guys. Girls are all alike. They all want the same thing ... and I've got just what they want!"

Bob: "You don't get it do you, Elmer? Size doesn't matter!"

Elmer: "How would you know, Bob? I seem to remember that the last time you had a chance for a roll in the hay, you ended up eating the bedding and got shot down! Size doesn't matter? We'll see. We'll see."

Peter: "Okay, we'll play it your way. How about them up at the bar. There's three of them and three of us."

Bob: "Uh-oh, one of them is wearing a diamond engagement bell."

Elmer: "Not to worry. I'll take the one with the bell."

Peter: " Oh sure! You go for the babe and we're left with the heifers!"

(~sigh~) I guess, no matter what the species, men are all the same! The battle of the sexes is an eternal struggle.

Perhaps on another occasion, we should explore The Fowl Sector.

I think we should follow some those feathered ladies of flight around for a different perspective on the dating scene.

I'm sure the females of the Avian Order are far more subtle when the hens go looking for cocks!



Skunkfeathers said...

I think cows would still be mad; their hooves, and the workings of texting devices and remote controls, ain't compatibull.

*ducking moos and throwd hamburger buns*

word verif: acabul...yer kiddin' me, right? ;)

Skunkfeathers said...

And the next word verif was no better: pingi

*this little pingi went to market..this little pingi stayed home...this little pingi checked the network connection...this little pingi located abalone..*

*ducking more moos and throwd Spam cans*

Hale McKay said...


I thought about slipping in something about "mad cow disease."

Wow. Interesting word verif.

Hale McKay said...


I won't be throwing Spam cans - unless they are empty.

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