Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Gone To Hellth

A little known fact behind one of history's memorable moments:

During a power outage, Benjamin Franklin took desperate measures to post the latest entry to his "Poor Richard's Almanac" web site.
Speaking of power outages:
~~~Capital Punishment~~~

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to a call of woman in labor.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Her mother pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

~~~Health Plans~~~

Two guys have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A young nurse preps them for surgery. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table. Then, she takes his manhood in her hands and masturbates him. She tells him that it is standard procedure to make sure there are no blockages.

Once done, the nurse tells him to sit down and repeats her instructions to the second guy. When he is on the exam table, the nurse performs oral sex on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "That's not fair. Why does he get oral sex?"

The nurse says, "Sorry, that's the difference between Blue Cross and an HMO."
I was surfing around trying to find a joke about Obama's Health Care bill. Except for his own not so funny reference to "Thelma and Louise," I didn't have much luck.

Then I realized - Obama's Health Care bill IS the joke!

You know, it's just another suppository he has given to the American people!
~~~National Health Care~~~

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?"

Man relied, "Yes!"

And Woman said, "I'll have one too ...with sprinkles."

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied, "Yes! And super size ' em!"

And Satan said, "'It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Care.
Finally, a few jokes about - (what else?) - healthy sex.
~~~Money's Worth~~~

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out: "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

~~~Something Different~~~

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."
Lastly, here's one I "lifted from Jack and Blue at How Now Blue Cow :
~~~Morning Delight~~~

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."


1 comment:

Hale McKay said...

No "Hellth" nuts out there, I guess.